Friday, January 20, 2006

Future Bush Script: Rove & Enemies

Despite being investigated by Fitzgerald and despite his conspicuous role in current political currents, Karl Rove has smile on his face and a bounce in his step as he heads into the Oval Office to brief the President. The President is alone at his desk, studying a photograph with great care and terrific merriment. As Mr. Rove approaches, the silence in the room is broken only by the President's intermittent giggles and Rove's purposeful footsteps. Rove is pleased to see the President is in his Warmchill state. In such a state, the President's heart and mind, sometimes at odds, commingle harmoniously, creating a pleasant storm of feeling that the President calls his wet spot. Warmchill serves to sharpen the President's wit and elevate his charisma.

Rove believes the President's charisma is one of his stongest political assets. Elevated as it now is by its Warmchill buoyancy, Rove privately wonders if this force could be explained by formula, then reverse engineered, allowing him to manufacture it, as a magic potion of sorts, for use on future clients or even on himself, as a practical elixir. Sometimes the demands of the day call for that special extra. He makes a mental note to check with intellectual property attorneys to see who, if anyone, owns the possible brand name "Charismamatic." If it is already owned, perhaps he will obtains the American rights to the Greek letters that serve as the foundation for the word, compelling any current owner to reach an accommodation. Rove notes to check with the State Dept. about potential diplomatic fallout with Greece, a NATO signatory.

Karl Rove:
Mr. President, I have some positive developments to brief you on.

President Bush:
Hey Turd. You're in a good mood. Who died?

Karl Rove:
Liberalism sir, but that was a while ago. I just have a few more nails for the coffin.

President Bush:
Ever the optimist. Always the bright side. Never the dark side. That's why we keep you on the payroll.

Karl Rove:
Thank you sir. Though it is never enough, I do my best. You might be ...

The phone rings and the President picks up. Listening intently he motions to Karl to hold his thought.

President Bush:
Turd. I'll need a minute. Old Man Rumbubble wants some wise young words 'bout some of those Gitmo memos Gangsta-zales drafted. You may want to head over to PD corner, so if any those nosy lawyers think of tryin' to coerce some testimonials outta ya 'bout stuffo that ain't their bizzo anyhow, you can pledge on Sgt. Schultz's honor, you heard nuthin', you know nuthin'.

Karl Rove:
Yes sir. I need some time to order my notes too. Thank you sir.

PD corner is an abbreviation for Plausible Deniability Corner. This is the small area just off the Oval Office made infamous during the Clinton-Lewinsky imbroglio. At that time though, the corner did not have plausible deniability since President Clinton himself was personally involved in conducting inappropriate and politically costly business there. Citing his pledge to restore honor and dignity to the Oval Office, President Bush swore never to personally conduct any kind of business whatsoever in that area.

From early on, the President declared that controversial area would only be used by valued advisors performing delegated duties. This he reasoned as "win win," since it was impossible for advisors conducting business in that area to be able to hear what the President talked about around his desk and vica versa. So plausible deniability for all parties was enhanced at the same time that honor and dignity was restored.

Over in PD corner, Rove notes on a legal pad, that he cannot hear a word of the President's conversation. He can only hear the occasional outburst of laughter, stemming from what sound to be, from a plausibly deniable distance, a pretty funny conversation. Rove then takes out a piece of graph paper, a scientific calculator, and a pen. After putting on what appears to be a pair of drafting goggles, he begins writing notes:






CENTIFUGAL = (Fc = mv2/r) , Fc = centrifugal force, m = mass, v = speed, and r = radius.

NOTE: People around Bush(co) like people tethered around merry-go-round. Factor in Bernoulli principle, inertial frame, Venturi effect, Coriolis effect, Coanda, etc. Feelings of centrifugal force upon (c0) feel real, but are not. Calculate feeling. Rotating around (x), (co) must exert force (centripetal) or lose positive feeling of (x). (co) in a happy,feeling due to delusion they are in a inertial frame of reference (nb. refer to Kennedy notes), when they are not, due to acceleration of bodies and emotions. Synaptic shifts (s) in rough correlation to movement of bodies in space (q)? The further (co) moves from center (x), greater force needed to maintain feeling, but affected by yet to be determined factor of energy emanating from (x). Goal, reduce the radius of psychic feeling of distance of (co) from (x), though physical distance may wax and wan. Firmly felt feeling of physical centrifugal force upon (co) is fictious - figure calculate, reverse formula to transform feelings of charismatic comfort, which feels real (unlike centrifugal forces, known to be fictious thru learning), into a formula that correlates with physical reality. Since reverse, Newtonian calculations may better measure than Quantum Mech. Things to factor in: Newton's 2nd, 3rd, Thermodynamics, possible link to, brain wave/brain chem correlation with relation, both perceived (vv) and real (rr) with (co), (ask Gonz re: Gitmo or Bagramif ok to test), (Fi = m ai.), ( (d /dt)i = (d /dt)r + w x) , ( Feff = Fi - 2m w x vr - m w x (w x r)), ( pos/neg affect of poll tested phrases, Barney , Laura, Mom, daughter locations, polls, Iraq, maybe ubl or other minor factors.


President Bush:
Turd, get your snout in here. Rumbubble bubbled. Talk time. Whaddayagot?

Karl Rove:
Everything okay with Secretary Rumsfeld, I hope. Maybe just some liberal whining at him?

President Bush:
Don's doing swell. Rum bubbles boiling the liberals. Couldn't be doin' better for a man his age. Rumbubblestillskin. He's solid. Though, for a time, I was a bit worried 'bout him. During shock and awe, he kept calling me up every half-hour to ask me who my daddy is, who my daddy is. Bizarre, cause he knows Dad. He worked with him, way back when, with the Nixologian and the Not-an-Edsel. Anyway, water under the waterfall. Spill some chill, Rovcicle.

Karl Rove:
Mr. President, nothing stupendous. Just some nails for the old liberal coffin.

President Bush:
Mind of borrow your hammer? I'm feeling creative.

Karl Rove:
Not at all sir. After all, your favorite philosopher, was also a carpenter.

President Bush:
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Mr. Flintstone? Not sure if I understand. But you're the architect.

Karl Rove:
Are you familiar with Harold Pinter? He won the Noble Prize.

President Bush:
Pinter? ...Pinter?....Harry Pinter? Yeah...Pitching coach for the Marlins farm team? Runs a Tiki bar in the off season on Padre Island? Why? I think he owes me money. Don't tell me the .......

Karl Rove:
No sir, I meant the writer from England, Harold Pinter. He won the Nobel Prize.

President Bush:
How the hell does a British writer learn how to build a new weapon system? Why can't American writers do that? BAMBOZZLE! Should we double funding for No Child Left Behind?

Karl Rove:
I'm sorry sir. I was unclear. He did not win the serious Nobel Prize. He won the literature one. He only wrote plays, basically. He did not build anything, much less a new weapon or even the theoretical basis for a new weapon.

President Bush:
Take it up with Laura. She's in charge of poems and stuff. Why should I care? I'm Commander in Chief.

Karl Rove:
Do you recall, from '94 onward, when Newt and some others were running againt Hollywood? Hollywood stuff and family values? Newt tapped into something somehow. We raised lots of money. Anyway, all that stuff, maybe just a part, may have helped to win the House? Depends on how you run the numbers. Direct mail money boon, at least. Do you recall?

President Bush:
No. Anyway, wasn't 1994 one of those years you told me to, you know, not draw attention to?

Karl Rove:
Sorry sir, that was 1974, but the larger point was the catalystic quality of having Hollywood as an enemy, a North Star, for the base to point to as a rally point of shared disdain. Helped make tax cuts possible. Some bruised feelings with the jet set, but get this - compared to Harold Pinter, Hollywood is all American.

President Bush:
I thought Hollywood was American? Maybe a little Canadian, but sometimes Canadians sound normal. Tricky that way. Haha.

Karl Rove:
Hollywood is American, at least technically. If you wish to be reductive, so is New York. But it ain't 'Murican. Point being, unlike Hollywood, Pinter is not only symbolically not American or 'Murican, in the red state sense, he is also, quite literally not an American. He is a real foreigner. He's actually British. Literally. Bonus points, he is, in many ways, anti-American. We don't have to try too hard to paint him that way. When he accepted the Nobel Prize, such as it is, he gave a lecture denoucing you as a war monger in the most strident and nasty way imaginable. You would've loved it

President Bush:
What the hell is wrong with these Brits? Are they all commies? I've been Prez, I've been Guv'nor, I've been an oil man. Along the way, I've met lots of Brits. Maybe a two dozen at least. They all seem to be to my left. Is poochy Tony the only cool one? He's pretty left too, but he's cool, 'cept wid regads da capio punishimo issimo. Actually, Prince Philip is to my right, but I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what we discussed. Back to this Pinter.

Karl Rove:
Pinter may be useful as a hate receptacle for the base. Bad feeling out there needs to be grounded. Vague feelings of malice and anxiety can take on a measure of positive substance. Some of our intellectual friends call this process the 'pre-emptive post-historical reification of the not-yet-nihilistic moment' (PPHRNYNM). In effect, what is like air, like Pinter's image, becomes political gold. We may be able to rally the base against this wretched Pinter image. In doing so, we should elevate Pinter, so as to equate all of your critics with him. Every Democrat should be made to go on cable TV and chose between you and Pinter. Since Pinter is anti- Bush and anti-American, we steam one Democrat factions against one another, as they try to explain why their anti-Bush feelings are not necessarily pro-Pinter feelings.

President Bush:
Karl the optimist. Sounds complicated.

Karl Rove:
It's actually quite simple. Very few Americans actually know who Pinter is. He is just an unpleasant image. We were testing some shapes, sounds, and colors in front of some base voters in focus groups. We detected they had negative feelings when they were shown various picture images of Harold Pinter. In roughly the same percentage, these same base voters had positive feelings when they were shown picture images of Scotts Fertilizer, a beloved lawn care product. Among base voters, Scott Fertilizers's image generated feelings of happiness and psychological security. Pinter's image, which we will wrap around all Bush critics, generated feelings of sadness and anxiety. Incidentally, Scotts Fertilizer was a good early on sponsor of much of the cable news coverage of the Iraq war, which was pretty positive coverage. Base voters began to associate, in their own minds, the fall of Baghdad, with a their own well tended suburban lawns. That was good for you, Sir. Shall I continue?

President Bush: (Singing to the tune of rock group Kansas "Carry On Wayward Son")
Carry On My wayward Turd
There'll be no peace with you around
Lay your weary cheeks to rest
Don't you smell no more ......

Who says conservatives aren't artists? Get me a grant, Karl. Get me a grant! I want funding! I want funding !I'll add some swears. Make it radical! Ha!

Karl Rove:
Quite good, Mr. President. As a bonus, when Pinter, was addressing those godless snobs in Stockholm, he mistakenly began by splitting the theoretical rationale for his anti-Bush/anti-America comments, from from the philosophical theories that undergird his professional writing. Philosophically, he undercut his own critique, yet no one has called him on it. At least, not yet. Enter the neoconservative. Pinter made the kind of slip up that they will be able to chew on for another twenty years or so. They love that stuff. Also, Pinter has a pinched arty British accent that only the urban left digs. He does not have, as our computers will confirm, one of those plummy jolly English accents that some voters like. Moreover, he taped his Nobel lecture in a wheelchair, which is a bad choice of prop. People who love Scotts Fertilizer, like our base voters, generally do not like to receive lectures to by wheelchair bound foreigners. Interestingly, wheelchairs as a prop, often works poorly, on a subliminal level with many voting blocs, for reasons no one fully understands. To top it off, he was dressed like a leftist. He wore all black, like some ancient infernal beatnik. We couldn't design a better opponent. Believe me, we've tried. Not only...

President Bush: (cuts Rove off again and resumes singing his spoof of the Kansas rock & roll hit)
Masquerading as an advisor with a reason
Your charade is the poll of the election season
If you claim to be a wise man
Well then you all know wassup...

Hey, jusy kidding around. Haha. Continue with your spiel, Charlie Chan. So Howie is your new enemy?

Karl Rove:
One of many. Among the base, a shared disdain for ambiguity, can sometimes offset differences in policy views. With that in mind, Pinter's politics, while obviously left wing, are filled with ambiguity and contrivance. Pinter is not as ambiguous as the word "terror," but unlike "terrorism," he poses no real threat. Just words. All in all, a better enemy than Jack Murtha, who is proving to be too difficult to paint as a cowardly leftist.

President Bush:
That's fer sure. How much do we pay you? Hope it covers your little legally wiggily with Fiztnotsocool.

Karl Rove:
Definitely not cool, sir. You pay great, but I'd work for you for free. As an aside though, all these legal bills are an outrage. Maybe you know some law firms that charge a bit less?

President Bush:
Try Zoom, Schwartz, & Profigliano. Continue.

Karl Rove:
Thank you Sir. Ah, later this week we're gonna test some more Pinter images, sounds and colors. We'll see what area of the brain they affect the most. Still looking for a Kennedy angle, for direct mail purposes. We have the computers running overtime to find a Teddy-Pinter link. One of the minor Kennedy's was supposedly seen at a Pinter play back in '82. We're start from there. Maybe the Intel community can come up with more.

President Bush:
That's it?

Karl Rove:
No sir. We had a big victory with Intelligent Design. It got shot down by a judge. Gentleman, start your direct mail fundraisers. We estimate ....

President Bush:
Wait a sec. Aren't we trying to be sort of pro- Intelligent Design, but not so much that our old friends and family forget to intelligently design some campaign checks?

Karl Rove:
Exactly. This just keeps the issue out there, stewing, festering, boiling, but not burning. It's good for private schools on both sides too. So there's a voucher tie-in. Evolution, even though it's science, sounds ambiguous. Even among its supporters, only educated elitist find glee in it. I'll show you some charts. Bonus, many defenders of evolution on TV have Pinter-esque body language, snotty postures and accents. They don't test well in focus group. Not even with the non elites who agree with them. No one likes to be lectured. Look to see Hillary try to cough up some dishonest compromise, so she can try to claim to be seen as sort of pro-Intelligent Design, but in a way that is so weak for her base to be reassured that she's being tactically dishonest. We know how this works, but from the pro-American side. Anyway, we'll be able to raise a lot of money regardless.We're preemptively printing out the direct mail. We've got the computers running overtime. Some new theories will be tested soon.

President Bush:
What else you got?

Karl Rove:
Just a surfeit of optimism. Jay Rockefeller is investigating the Niger Memos. Imagine the luck. Having the name Rockefeller, means that any suspicions of conspiracy end up sticking to him, rather than us. Also, Saddam's in jail looking weak and evil. That was worth a cake walk. Further, Osama and Zarqwawi are still out there. We'll get 'em, but they are politically useful wherever they are now. Down in S. America, we have this Chavez, who is such a delightful thug, I wish I had put him on the payroll myself. In Asia, we have a Korean despot who is so ludicrous that he forces everyone to take our side. Iran is looking pretty good. Their new President seems to be a maniac, so any military action against him will split the Democrats and make them hate themselves more than they already do. There's just so much good bad news. Pretty soon we're gonna be rolling out the phrase "Pinter Democrats," as a conceptual tool to train the media to think about our domestic opposition in the proper way. We should be able to have Katie Couric and some of the other consciously using it within two weeks, then unconsciously within five weeks.

President Bush:
Hey. You do you what you want to do. But leave me out of the hate part. I have no enemies. Just adversaries. I don't hate anyone. We have people on the payroll to do all that. You guys always try to involve me in your feuds though. Scotso gets in these arguments with reporters and he always tries to drag me into it. If you wanna go after this Pinter, then that's up to you, but I'll pass on getting involved.

Karl Rove:
I understand Sir.

President Bush:
I chose my adversaries carefully. They are all in favor of the Iraq war, but for their own reasons, as if anyone cared. When you came in, you may have noticed I was studying a picture of one of my adversaries. Take a look. He may not be Pinter, but he falls far short of Scotts Fertilzer in general excellence too.

President Bush leans over and hands the photograph to Rove.

Karl Rove:
Oh Mr. President. (studying the photo) You have chosen wisely. Tom Friedman has been denouncing you in a stunningly ineffective manner in the back pages of the New York Times lately.

President Bush:
Dweebicus Maximus. That is his name. I like him though. Once again, I win, the Gore loses. This Pinter thing is your business. Do what you want. Just don't involve me. Like I said, Camptown Dweebtrack is five miles long, doo-dah!, doo-dah!, Camptown Dweebtrack supports my war, doo-dah!, doo-dah! Sure he has his own dweeby reasons. He just doesn't like my speeches. Oh and he doesn't like my oil buddies. He thinks we can control the weather! He likes the fact that I bomb Iraq, but he doesn't like my bombing style. He prefers Clinton's. But I be da bomb! Ha! Ha! Turd, you're free to go home and mow your lawn. Turd and Scotts, now that's a good fertilizer. Add a Pinter of Guinness, then put it all in your stovepipe and puff on it til we get some global warming. Then call the Gore.Ha!

Karl Rove:
Thank you, Mr. President. I'll get back to work now. Work is home.


At 10:14 AM, Blogger Bradley Egel said...

Yeah! A new script...wtg gotham!

My favorite part is the

and my favorite line is this exchange:

President Bush:
Mind of borrow your hammer? I'm feeling creative.

Karl Rove:
Not at all sir. After all, your favorite philosopher, was also a carpenter.

Too funny!

The Egel Nest

At 4:54 PM, Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

they got a place for people like you and it's a lovely little island down in cuba.
ooooooooh! nice yob.

At 8:58 PM, Blogger Lizzy said...


At 2:45 AM, Blogger enigma4ever said...

Once again....envelope please....the WINNER need to do some puppet theater and act these out ...( Like Keith on Countdown)....

too brilliant ;-)

At 11:05 PM, Blogger echrai said...

Yes! I agree! And we all know it's the president's charisma... that IS the leafy green vegetable, right? Cha... no wait, that's Kale. It's the president's Kale that got him where he is. Wait, that doesn't seem right. His Cauliflower? That's the brain vegetable. Definitely not. Where was I going with this? I've forgotten.

At 12:03 AM, Blogger DareDevil said...

nice post :)

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Newsguy said...

Thanks for the Rove Radio Theatre. Get actors. Get sound effects. Put it on tape.

And doesn't that picture of Rove up top just make you want to smack him?

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous mandt said...

Wow! a great new script! always love to hear about Rovies enemas list. lol M

At 11:58 AM, Blogger marybishop said...

Numerous excellent lines -

I loved: Take it up with Laura. She's in charge of poems and stuff. Why should I care? I'm Commander in Chief.

Struck me funny indeed. Like Bradely (and I do) I loved all the formulas...

At 1:08 PM, Blogger windspike said...

Fantastic. Did you get this as a text transcript from an NSA spying transcript? Cary on my wayward bloggers!

At 1:31 PM, Blogger cali said...

Bravo! It's not easy to be a good satirist these days when reality is so damn weird.

At 4:40 PM, Blogger Tara said...

Utterly Creative! Great job!

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Dem Soldier said...

"Turd. I'll need a minute"

Another good one..

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous stacy said...

Cool, a turd 'n dumbo script!

And so true to form, too!

Great job again! Keep 'em coming!

At 11:57 PM, Blogger Just another blogger said...

You guys should get this stuff published.

Superb Job!

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

rock on, goth. funny, and scarily on target...

At 1:32 AM, Blogger enigma4ever said...

Great as need to send your stuff to John Stewart....I am serious...keep at it...

At 4:09 PM, Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Excellent as usual...

How about one between Cheney and his hunting companion who he shot in the head and left unconscious!

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous The Heretik said...

Keep up the good works.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger halcyon67 said...

I love the pictures of the Scots. Clever.

At 3:45 AM, Blogger Dennis Dale said...

Have you ever noticed how Rove's head resembles an infant's? It's like he's walking around with this giant baby-head; the wispy hair, the fat cheeks, the whole half-formed, partially-developed look of it.


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