Future Bush Script: An Encounter In Bern

Richard Perle is watching a chess match take place in a park in Bern, Switzerland. He finds the match rather slow going and predictable. Both players are employing mediocre strategies, so Richard regards their analytical abilities to be barely superior to those of a typical State Department intelligence analyst operating from a Foggy Bottom cubicle. This saddens him.

Repairing to a nearby bench, he takes out his copy of the 1852 Poëmes Antiques, by Charles Marie René Leconte de Lisle. Recently reprinted in a handsome limited edition, a friend from the Persian Gulf armaments purchasing community was kind enough to gift him a copy. As he begins to read, a particular stanza from the poem “Dies Irae” catches his eye:

Et toi, divine Mort, où tout rentre et s'efface,
Accueille tes enfants dans ton sein étoilé;
Affranchis-nous du temps, du nombre et de l'espace,
Et rends-nous le repos que la vie a troublé!

Lenconte de Lisle’s perceptive verse, with its absence of pity, embrace of fate, and acceptance of loss, gives Richard a measure of contemplative quietus amidst the profligate laughter emanating from some nearby wastrels.

Further concentrating so as to drown out the annoying bark of a distant dog, Richard begins to find some of ‘the repose that life has disturbed,’ as Leconte de Lisle would say. Still he is concerned that some conservatives back in the States may not appreciate his reading of French material in public at such a politically sensitive time.

Mindful that several intelligence agencies, some allegedly friendly, others obviously hostile, may be watching him, he reasons it is best to err on the side of discretion. Tucking the book of poems discretely inside a copy of recently obtained bound blueprints for the French made Crotale NG VT1 (RF proximity fuse) hypervelocity air defense missile, he begins to read again. Suddenly an attractive woman in her late thirties approaches him.Though there is no sign of rain, she is carrying a closed umbrella. She seems Italian. Alas, her face is an unfamiliar one to him.

Woman:
Hello Mr. Perle. (Roman accented English) How are you today?

Richard Perle:
You look familiar.

Woman:
Familiarity breeds contempt.

Richard Perle:
That is what you say.

Woman:
Contempt has its uses.

Richard Perle:
What is useful is not always pleasant, but victory vindicates. You look pleasant. Should I be worried?

Woman:
Love conquers all. As long as one loves victory, one need not worry.

Richard Perle:
Spoken like true Roman, not a teller of real truth.

Woman:
What is truth?

Richard Perle:
You tell me.

Woman:
Rome is the Eternal City. Don't you think what is eternal must be true.

Richard Perle:
Nothing lasts forever. Rome is a nice place to visit, but I would not want to live there

Woman:
Bern is a nice place to live. Thank God, I only have to visit.

Richard Perle:
Silvia told me it was tourist season. Did she send you?

Woman:
Yes she did. She arranged a package tour.

Richard Perle:
Pierre?

Woman:
Pierre and Françoise.


The woman with the umbrella hands Richard a colorful flier that says, among other things, “Sylvia’s Swiss Tours - Bern For Three Nights and Two Days. Meals included.” Richard notes the back of the flier contains a handwritten address that is vaguely familiar to him. The woman then walks a block and half away, gets on the back of a waiting motorcycle, and speeds off.

Richard folds up the woman’s flier and puts it into his suit pocket. After sitting down and reading for a few minutes, he gets back up and walks over to the trashcan. For the benefit of those who may be watching him, he pauses to confirm that the woman has left the park, then he removes a replica of the flier from the same suit pocket that contains the one she just gave him. This replica flier is the same in all respects to the original, except that it has an incorrect meeting address penned on the back. Crunching the replica up, he tosses it into the trashcan then leaves the park nonchalantly and heads back to his hotel room.

Minutes after he leaves, one of the chess spectators takes out a candy bar and begins eating it. When done eating, he walks over to the trashcan to throw away the wrapper. Along with the candy wrapper, the chess spectator drops a magazine into the trashcan. When he then reaches into the trashcan to retrieve the discarded magazine, he discretely removes the crumpled flier that Richard Perle just discarded. Tucking that flier inside his retrieved magazine, this fellow then leaves the park. Someone sitting nearby, who just witnessed this discrete, if not discrete enough, retrieval of the discarded fake flier, waits a minute then begins to follow him.

Continued in Part Two: When A Toast Will Be Proposed

Future Bush Script: Rove & Enemies

Despite being investigated by Fitzgerald and despite his conspicuous role in current political currents, Karl Rove has smile on his face and a bounce in his step as he heads into the Oval Office to brief the President. The President is alone at his desk, studying a photograph with great care and terrific merriment. As Mr. Rove approaches, the silence in the room is broken only by the President's intermittent giggles and Rove's purposeful footsteps. Rove is pleased to see the President is in his Warmchill state. In such a state, the President's heart and mind, sometimes at odds, commingle harmoniously, creating a pleasant storm of feeling that the President calls his wet spot. Warmchill serves to sharpen the President's wit and elevate his charisma.

Rove believes the President's charisma is one of his stongest political assets. Elevated as it now is by its Warmchill buoyancy, Rove privately wonders if this force could be explained by formula, then reverse engineered, allowing him to manufacture it, as a magic potion of sorts, for use on future clients or even on himself, as a practical elixir. Sometimes the demands of the day call for that special extra. He makes a mental note to check with intellectual property attorneys to see who, if anyone, owns the possible brand name "Charismamatic." If it is already owned, perhaps he will obtains the American rights to the Greek letters that serve as the foundation for the word, compelling any current owner to reach an accommodation. Rove notes to check with the State Dept. about potential diplomatic fallout with Greece, a NATO signatory.

Karl Rove:
Mr. President, I have some positive developments to brief you on.

President Bush:
Hey Turd. You're in a good mood. Who died?

Karl Rove:
Liberalism sir, but that was a while ago. I just have a few more nails for the coffin.

President Bush:
Ever the optimist. Always the bright side. Never the dark side. That's why we keep you on the payroll.

Karl Rove:
Thank you sir. Though it is never enough, I do my best. You might be ...

The phone rings and the President picks up. Listening intently he motions to Karl to hold his thought.

President Bush:
Turd. I'll need a minute. Old Man Rumbubble wants some wise young words 'bout some of those Gitmo memos Gangsta-zales drafted. You may want to head over to PD corner, so if any those nosy lawyers think of tryin' to coerce some testimonials outta ya 'bout stuffo that ain't their bizzo anyhow, you can pledge on Sgt. Schultz's honor, you heard nuthin', you know nuthin'.

Karl Rove:
Yes sir. I need some time to order my notes too. Thank you sir.


PD corner is an abbreviation for Plausible Deniability Corner. This is the small area just off the Oval Office made infamous during the Clinton-Lewinsky imbroglio. At that time though, the corner did not have plausible deniability since President Clinton himself was personally involved in conducting inappropriate and politically costly business there. Citing his pledge to restore honor and dignity to the Oval Office, President Bush swore never to personally conduct any kind of business whatsoever in that area.

From early on, the President declared that controversial area would only be used by valued advisors performing delegated duties. This he reasoned as "win win," since it was impossible for advisors conducting business in that area to be able to hear what the President talked about around his desk and vica versa. So plausible deniability for all parties was enhanced at the same time that honor and dignity was restored.

Over in PD corner, Rove notes on a legal pad, that he cannot hear a word of the President's conversation. He can only hear the occasional outburst of laughter, stemming from what sound to be, from a plausibly deniable distance, a pretty funny conversation. Rove then takes out a piece of graph paper, a scientific calculator, and a pen. After putting on what appears to be a pair of drafting goggles, he begins writing notes:


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


WHEN W. IN WARMCHILL STATE--MOST POWERFUL FORCE IN ROOM
PRESIDENT BUSH + WARMCHILL = x
CENTRIPETAL (CENTER-SEEKING) FORCE OF CHARISMA OBSERVERS = y

CALCULATE CENTRIFUGAL FORCE (OUTWARD FORCE FEELING) ON CHARISMA OBSERVERS (co), WHILE OBSERVING THE CHARISMATIC OBJECT (BUSH/WARMCHILL (WC) - B/WC=x).

CALCULATE CENTRIPETAL FORCE GENERATED BY CHARISMA OBSERVERS (co) WHEN OBSERVING THE CHARISMATIC OBJECT ( B/WC=x)

CALCULATE PARADOX - BUSH/WC CENTRIFUGAL FORCE EXERTS FORCE (y) AGAINT (co), YET DRAWS (co) TO (X), INDEPENDENT OF CENTRIPETAL (y), YET (y) AFFECTED AND AFFECT IN WAYS YET TO BE DETERMINED (uux).

CENTIFUGAL = (Fc = mv2/r) , Fc = centrifugal force, m = mass, v = speed, and r = radius.

NOTE: People around Bush(co) like people tethered around merry-go-round. Factor in Bernoulli principle, inertial frame, Venturi effect, Coriolis effect, Coanda, etc. Feelings of centrifugal force upon (c0) feel real, but are not. Calculate feeling. Rotating around (x), (co) must exert force (centripetal) or lose positive feeling of (x). (co) in a happy,feeling due to delusion they are in a inertial frame of reference (nb. refer to Kennedy notes), when they are not, due to acceleration of bodies and emotions. Synaptic shifts (s) in rough correlation to movement of bodies in space (q)? The further (co) moves from center (x), greater force needed to maintain feeling, but affected by yet to be determined factor of energy emanating from (x). Goal, reduce the radius of psychic feeling of distance of (co) from (x), though physical distance may wax and wan. Firmly felt feeling of physical centrifugal force upon (co) is fictious - figure calculate, reverse formula to transform feelings of charismatic comfort, which feels real (unlike centrifugal forces, known to be fictious thru learning), into a formula that correlates with physical reality. Since reverse, Newtonian calculations may better measure than Quantum Mech. Things to factor in: Newton's 2nd, 3rd, Thermodynamics, possible link to, brain wave/brain chem correlation with relation, both perceived (vv) and real (rr) with (co), (ask Gonz re: Gitmo or Bagramif ok to test), (Fi = m ai.), ( (d /dt)i = (d /dt)r + w x) , ( Feff = Fi - 2m w x vr - m w x (w x r)), ( pos/neg affect of poll tested phrases, Barney , Laura, Mom, daughter locations, polls, Iraq, maybe ubl or other minor factors.

------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush:
Turd, get your snout in here. Rumbubble bubbled. Talk time. Whaddayagot?

Karl Rove:
Everything okay with Secretary Rumsfeld, I hope. Maybe just some liberal whining at him?

President Bush:
Don's doing swell. Rum bubbles boiling the liberals. Couldn't be doin' better for a man his age. Rumbubblestillskin. He's solid. Though, for a time, I was a bit worried 'bout him. During shock and awe, he kept calling me up every half-hour to ask me who my daddy is, who my daddy is. Bizarre, cause he knows Dad. He worked with him, way back when, with the Nixologian and the Not-an-Edsel. Anyway, water under the waterfall. Spill some chill, Rovcicle.

Karl Rove:
Mr. President, nothing stupendous. Just some nails for the old liberal coffin.

President Bush:
Mind of borrow your hammer? I'm feeling creative.

Karl Rove:
Not at all sir. After all, your favorite philosopher, was also a carpenter.

President Bush:
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Mr. Flintstone? Not sure if I understand. But you're the architect.

Karl Rove:
Are you familiar with Harold Pinter? He won the Noble Prize.

President Bush:
Pinter? ...Pinter?....Harry Pinter? Yeah...Pitching coach for the Marlins farm team? Runs a Tiki bar in the off season on Padre Island? Why? I think he owes me money. Don't tell me the .......

Karl Rove:
No sir, I meant the writer from England, Harold Pinter. He won the Nobel Prize.

President Bush:
How the hell does a British writer learn how to build a new weapon system? Why can't American writers do that? BAMBOZZLE! Should we double funding for No Child Left Behind?

Karl Rove:
I'm sorry sir. I was unclear. He did not win the serious Nobel Prize. He won the literature one. He only wrote plays, basically. He did not build anything, much less a new weapon or even the theoretical basis for a new weapon.

President Bush:
Take it up with Laura. She's in charge of poems and stuff. Why should I care? I'm Commander in Chief.

Karl Rove:
Do you recall, from '94 onward, when Newt and some others were running againt Hollywood? Hollywood stuff and family values? Newt tapped into something somehow. We raised lots of money. Anyway, all that stuff, maybe just a part, may have helped to win the House? Depends on how you run the numbers. Direct mail money boon, at least. Do you recall?

President Bush:
No. Anyway, wasn't 1994 one of those years you told me to, you know, not draw attention to?

Karl Rove:
Sorry sir, that was 1974, but the larger point was the catalystic quality of having Hollywood as an enemy, a North Star, for the base to point to as a rally point of shared disdain. Helped make tax cuts possible. Some bruised feelings with the jet set, but get this - compared to Harold Pinter, Hollywood is all American.

President Bush:
I thought Hollywood was American? Maybe a little Canadian, but sometimes Canadians sound normal. Tricky that way. Haha.

Karl Rove:
Hollywood is American, at least technically. If you wish to be reductive, so is New York. But it ain't 'Murican. Point being, unlike Hollywood, Pinter is not only symbolically not American or 'Murican, in the red state sense, he is also, quite literally not an American. He is a real foreigner. He's actually British. Literally. Bonus points, he is, in many ways, anti-American. We don't have to try too hard to paint him that way. When he accepted the Nobel Prize, such as it is, he gave a lecture denoucing you as a war monger in the most strident and nasty way imaginable. You would've loved it

President Bush:
What the hell is wrong with these Brits? Are they all commies? I've been Prez, I've been Guv'nor, I've been an oil man. Along the way, I've met lots of Brits. Maybe a two dozen at least. They all seem to be to my left. Is poochy Tony the only cool one? He's pretty left too, but he's cool, 'cept wid regads da capio punishimo issimo. Actually, Prince Philip is to my right, but I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone what we discussed. Back to this Pinter.

Karl Rove:
Pinter may be useful as a hate receptacle for the base. Bad feeling out there needs to be grounded. Vague feelings of malice and anxiety can take on a measure of positive substance. Some of our intellectual friends call this process the 'pre-emptive post-historical reification of the not-yet-nihilistic moment' (PPHRNYNM). In effect, what is like air, like Pinter's image, becomes political gold. We may be able to rally the base against this wretched Pinter image. In doing so, we should elevate Pinter, so as to equate all of your critics with him. Every Democrat should be made to go on cable TV and chose between you and Pinter. Since Pinter is anti- Bush and anti-American, we steam one Democrat factions against one another, as they try to explain why their anti-Bush feelings are not necessarily pro-Pinter feelings.

President Bush:
Karl the optimist. Sounds complicated.

Karl Rove:
It's actually quite simple. Very few Americans actually know who Pinter is. He is just an unpleasant image. We were testing some shapes, sounds, and colors in front of some base voters in focus groups. We detected they had negative feelings when they were shown various picture images of Harold Pinter. In roughly the same percentage, these same base voters had positive feelings when they were shown picture images of Scotts Fertilizer, a beloved lawn care product. Among base voters, Scott Fertilizers's image generated feelings of happiness and psychological security. Pinter's image, which we will wrap around all Bush critics, generated feelings of sadness and anxiety. Incidentally, Scotts Fertilizer was a good early on sponsor of much of the cable news coverage of the Iraq war, which was pretty positive coverage. Base voters began to associate, in their own minds, the fall of Baghdad, with a their own well tended suburban lawns. That was good for you, Sir. Shall I continue?

President Bush: (Singing to the tune of rock group Kansas "Carry On Wayward Son")
Carry On My wayward Turd
There'll be no peace with you around
Lay your weary cheeks to rest
Don't you smell no more ......

Who says conservatives aren't artists? Get me a grant, Karl. Get me a grant! I want funding! I want funding !I'll add some swears. Make it radical! Ha!

Karl Rove:
Quite good, Mr. President. As a bonus, when Pinter, was addressing those godless snobs in Stockholm, he mistakenly began by splitting the theoretical rationale for his anti-Bush/anti-America comments, from from the philosophical theories that undergird his professional writing. Philosophically, he undercut his own critique, yet no one has called him on it. At least, not yet. Enter the neoconservative. Pinter made the kind of slip up that they will be able to chew on for another twenty years or so. They love that stuff. Also, Pinter has a pinched arty British accent that only the urban left digs. He does not have, as our computers will confirm, one of those plummy jolly English accents that some voters like. Moreover, he taped his Nobel lecture in a wheelchair, which is a bad choice of prop. People who love Scotts Fertilizer, like our base voters, generally do not like to receive lectures to by wheelchair bound foreigners. Interestingly, wheelchairs as a prop, often works poorly, on a subliminal level with many voting blocs, for reasons no one fully understands. To top it off, he was dressed like a leftist. He wore all black, like some ancient infernal beatnik. We couldn't design a better opponent. Believe me, we've tried. Not only...

President Bush: (cuts Rove off again and resumes singing his spoof of the Kansas rock & roll hit)
Masquerading as an advisor with a reason
Your charade is the poll of the election season
If you claim to be a wise man
Well then you all know wassup...

Hey, jusy kidding around. Haha. Continue with your spiel, Charlie Chan. So Howie is your new enemy?

Karl Rove:
One of many. Among the base, a shared disdain for ambiguity, can sometimes offset differences in policy views. With that in mind, Pinter's politics, while obviously left wing, are filled with ambiguity and contrivance. Pinter is not as ambiguous as the word "terror," but unlike "terrorism," he poses no real threat. Just words. All in all, a better enemy than Jack Murtha, who is proving to be too difficult to paint as a cowardly leftist.

President Bush:
That's fer sure. How much do we pay you? Hope it covers your little legally wiggily with Fiztnotsocool.

Karl Rove:
Definitely not cool, sir. You pay great, but I'd work for you for free. As an aside though, all these legal bills are an outrage. Maybe you know some law firms that charge a bit less?

President Bush:
Try Zoom, Schwartz, & Profigliano. Continue.

Karl Rove:
Thank you Sir. Ah, later this week we're gonna test some more Pinter images, sounds and colors. We'll see what area of the brain they affect the most. Still looking for a Kennedy angle, for direct mail purposes. We have the computers running overtime to find a Teddy-Pinter link. One of the minor Kennedy's was supposedly seen at a Pinter play back in '82. We're start from there. Maybe the Intel community can come up with more.

President Bush:
That's it?

Karl Rove:
No sir. We had a big victory with Intelligent Design. It got shot down by a judge. Gentleman, start your direct mail fundraisers. We estimate ....

President Bush:
Wait a sec. Aren't we trying to be sort of pro- Intelligent Design, but not so much that our old friends and family forget to intelligently design some campaign checks?

Karl Rove:
Exactly. This just keeps the issue out there, stewing, festering, boiling, but not burning. It's good for private schools on both sides too. So there's a voucher tie-in. Evolution, even though it's science, sounds ambiguous. Even among its supporters, only educated elitist find glee in it. I'll show you some charts. Bonus, many defenders of evolution on TV have Pinter-esque body language, snotty postures and accents. They don't test well in focus group. Not even with the non elites who agree with them. No one likes to be lectured. Look to see Hillary try to cough up some dishonest compromise, so she can try to claim to be seen as sort of pro-Intelligent Design, but in a way that is so weak for her base to be reassured that she's being tactically dishonest. We know how this works, but from the pro-American side. Anyway, we'll be able to raise a lot of money regardless.We're preemptively printing out the direct mail. We've got the computers running overtime. Some new theories will be tested soon.

President Bush:
What else you got?

Karl Rove:
Just a surfeit of optimism. Jay Rockefeller is investigating the Niger Memos. Imagine the luck. Having the name Rockefeller, means that any suspicions of conspiracy end up sticking to him, rather than us. Also, Saddam's in jail looking weak and evil. That was worth a cake walk. Further, Osama and Zarqwawi are still out there. We'll get 'em, but they are politically useful wherever they are now. Down in S. America, we have this Chavez, who is such a delightful thug, I wish I had put him on the payroll myself. In Asia, we have a Korean despot who is so ludicrous that he forces everyone to take our side. Iran is looking pretty good. Their new President seems to be a maniac, so any military action against him will split the Democrats and make them hate themselves more than they already do. There's just so much good bad news. Pretty soon we're gonna be rolling out the phrase "Pinter Democrats," as a conceptual tool to train the media to think about our domestic opposition in the proper way. We should be able to have Katie Couric and some of the other consciously using it within two weeks, then unconsciously within five weeks.

President Bush:
Hey. You do you what you want to do. But leave me out of the hate part. I have no enemies. Just adversaries. I don't hate anyone. We have people on the payroll to do all that. You guys always try to involve me in your feuds though. Scotso gets in these arguments with reporters and he always tries to drag me into it. If you wanna go after this Pinter, then that's up to you, but I'll pass on getting involved.

Karl Rove:
I understand Sir.

President Bush:
I chose my adversaries carefully. They are all in favor of the Iraq war, but for their own reasons, as if anyone cared. When you came in, you may have noticed I was studying a picture of one of my adversaries. Take a look. He may not be Pinter, but he falls far short of Scotts Fertilzer in general excellence too.

President Bush leans over and hands the photograph to Rove.

Karl Rove:
Oh Mr. President. (studying the photo) You have chosen wisely. Tom Friedman has been denouncing you in a stunningly ineffective manner in the back pages of the New York Times lately.

President Bush:
Dweebicus Maximus. That is his name. I like him though. Once again, I win, the Gore loses. This Pinter thing is your business. Do what you want. Just don't involve me. Like I said, Camptown Dweebtrack is five miles long, doo-dah!, doo-dah!, Camptown Dweebtrack supports my war, doo-dah!, doo-dah! Sure he has his own dweeby reasons. He just doesn't like my speeches. Oh and he doesn't like my oil buddies. He thinks we can control the weather! He likes the fact that I bomb Iraq, but he doesn't like my bombing style. He prefers Clinton's. But I be da bomb! Ha! Ha! Turd, you're free to go home and mow your lawn. Turd and Scotts, now that's a good fertilizer. Add a Pinter of Guinness, then put it all in your stovepipe and puff on it til we get some global warming. Then call the Gore.Ha!

Karl Rove:
Thank you, Mr. President. I'll get back to work now. Work is home.

Future Bush Script: Bush & Kristol

The President and the First Lady are sitting around a desk in the family quarters going thru the Sunday papers. She likes to read the style section, while he prefers to read the classified ads. Both scan the op-eds while waiting for political shows to begin. The President is also waiting for the political shows to end, so he can watch sports and cartoons. The President understands the American people, often for good reason, do not care much for politics. Understanding that simple fact is one reason why he wins and what he calls "the Gore" loses.

In the First Lady's corner of the desk, there's a nice lay out of bagels and cream cheese, along with a cup of coffee. She begins to do the crossword puzzle, at which she excels. In the President's corner of the desk, two small insects, of seeming equal strength, contend with each other within the confines of an empty pizza box, under the Commander-In-Chief's watchful eye. As the President is about to opine upon the meaning of what he sees, Andy Card comes in to remind him that a scheduled visitor has arrived.


Andy Card:
Mr. President, Bill Kristol is here to see you. He's scheduled. He's on time. Would you like him to, you know, wait a while, so you can finish up? I'll have him wait as long as you want him to wait. He'll wait.

President Bush:
Good morning, Half-Deck. You look good today, like a royal flush or maybe a joker or something. Send him in. I'm not afraid. Are you?

Andy Card:
Not afraid sir. I'll have him in shortly. He's on our side, you know.

President Bush:
Our side? Don't tell me what you think I know. I'll settle for him being on his side. I'm on my side, that's all I know. Tell you what, Half, Kristol is talented. He was great in that Harry Married Sally movie. He told some tough truths to Sally, right in the beginning. Tragic it took a whole movie and a ten dollar ticket price to prove him right. I'm telling the Democrats some tough truths too. Guess who will be proved right? It's gonna cost more than ten bucks this time. Hey, haven't we all seen this movie before? Maybe the Democrats are just like Sally. Sally was better looking though. Haha. Hey, Kristol's a baseball fan too. Gotta love that. Sure he's a Yankee fan, but I forgive his anti-Rangers liberal bias. What's important is he made a good baseball movie. That's good for baseball overall. What's good for baseball is good for 'Murica. Besides, he's a New Yorker. If a New Yorker tells you he's a Texas Rangers fan, don't trust him. Would you trust Zarqawi, if Zarqawi was a baseball fan, and he told you he was loyal to the anti-Zarqawi baseball team? Incidentalcoolcatally, Zarqawi ain't no baseball fan. No way.

Andy Card:
Yes, Mr. President, I mean no, I mean, ah, I never trust Zarqawi, uhh , ahh this Kristol is not the one, ah ... oh..(gulp)... we all trust you to do the right thing. Maybe the First Lady can help ....

President Bush:
Save your strength, Half. You Da HAM ! Send him in. I'll be okay. Anyo problemo, the First Lady is here to helpo. Go and get him, then eat some Alpo.Take the rest of the day off and spill a chill.

Andy Card:
Yes sir. Thank you sir. The complete text of my full briefing for you is on this paper. Hope there's no confusion. If there is, I am sorry I was not clear. I'll keep my cell on.

President Bush:
Keep your cell on? How can you chill? You're staff, not a Denture Servant. Supposedly. So relax. Vamose. Go home. Chill-osity watch starts now. I am turning on the ice box. Bye Bye. Tomorrow's D-Day. I'll see you on the beach.


Andy Card leaves the room with speed. On his way out, he orders his own aide, a dutifull but frightened young man the President has nicknamed Cardscard, to send Mr. Kristol in. Card then tells Cardscard to stop shaking like a leaf and to make real sure the President is not too surprised when he discovers it's not the actor Billy Crystal, but William Kristol, the neoconservative theoretician, coming in to see him. After Card gets into the elevator, the First Lady looks up from her crossword puzzle. She seems somewhat dismayed, if not surprised.


First Lady:
Oh George, that was not very nice. Andy is so loyal, but he's scared to tell you the truth. Sometimes you jump at him. He tries so hard. You know who he was talking about. You better not try these stunts with me. Besides, you got that movie all wrong.


Indicating some safe feminism, the First Lady raises, then lowers, an eyebrow.


President Bush:
Look, I'm just toughen' him up a bit. For his own good. He's been working for our family forever. When we set him free, I want him to be able to face the world, on his own terms. Bambozzle! Hey, when I was young, I was made mistakes. I don't want Andy to repeat my errors. If Dad was as tough, but fair, with me, as I am with Andy, maybe I would not have made as many mistakes. Then again, if I didn't make all those mistakes, I'd probably never be President, since I'd lack that common touch, which helps to set me apart from Dweebacles like the Gore.


The President is conflicted within. In his own mind, he believes what he is telling the First Lady. Yet, his heart is whispering to him that the First Lady's harsh rebuke may not be with without some merit. Frustrated, he slams the pizza box shut, bringing the insect fight contained therein to a smashing, if inconclusive, conclusion.

The President forgets which bug, if any, he was rooting for. Yet he decides, in his own mind, to declare the bug that he was rooting for, before he forgot which bug that was, to be the decisive winner. In reality, both bugs lost equally and deep in his heart, the President sadly knows this to be the case.

As Bill Kristol walks in, the First Lady gets up to greet him and put him at ease. Kristol is respectful, but somewhat amused by this. He recalls a recent lecture. An earnest young woman, full of well meaning, if somewhat simple views, had kept congratulating him on being awarded a visit to her small red brick red state college. Looking at the First Lady, with some measured condescension, he muses on the general usefullness of seemingly unscripted enthusiasm.

After motioning to the First Lady to return to her a seat, Kristol gives a grown up nod toward the President, then he sits down himself. Kristol begins speaking as he rifles thru his briefcase looking for a summary of what he has come to inform the President about. The President waits a minute, then cuts Kristol off right in the middle of a point, causing Kristol to lose his railroad of thought.

President Bush:
Your mom, Gertrude Himmelfarb, is a good woman. A scholar. She is unique.

Kristol is surprised and further amused. Does President Bush really know about his mother's scholarship? Kristol allows a smug chuckle to be buried safely beneath the outward layer of the marketable mirth that coats his otherwise very serious demeanor.

Bill Kristol:
Oh thank you so much, Mr. President. (speaking slowly) Also, thank you for awarding my father the Medal of Freedom. We Kristol's argue about much. Some people say, we argue the world, but we all admire your courageous foreign policy. It's to your credit that you continue to lean forward. If you err, let it be on the side of strength, of victory.

President Bush:
Let me ask you a question. Did your mom ever tell you or tell others that she thought you were a nice kid? Did she ever say, "That son of mine, he is so nice? " Anything, along those lines?

Kristol is taken aback. The interogatory unsettles him some. He finds it to be impertinent.

Bill Kristol:
Ahh, well, we all have moms. Going forward, concerns about all mothers obviously remain paramount. No one that matters would ever suggest otherwise. As you know better than most, Iranian mothers are now under particular strain. As we turn our attention toward them, serious people will concur it's to your cre...

President Bush:
Mr. Supershineykristolball you're spinning too far ahead of things. We'll get to Running moms and Soccer moms soon enough. Are you now Mr. Topic Change Machine? Okay, I just put my dollar Bush in your machine. Now gimme me all four quarters of truth, not just your too bad sense. Gimme a Kristol clear answer. This Bush burns. Don't burn back. You might catch fire. Who ya gonna call if that happens? The McLaughlin Group? Bye-Bye! My boy Johnny Mickey Laughey don't even have you on his show. Bye-Bye! You think he'll save you?


Kristol begins to sense that he is losing control of the conversation. Very privately, he recalls Lenin's formulation, "Who? Whom?": Those who ask the question, often determine the answer. Who is asking whom? What just happened? Part of him resents being bested at this game, by someone he came to guide, rather than be guided by. However, another part of him is reassured, even thrilled. Up close, he is seeing the President, a man who once gave him pause, use the power of his office and the force of his personality, to control the dialogue and to set the terms of debate. Damm.

A measure of panic sets in, just for a split second, as he realizes that his degrees, his resume, and his intelligence are worthless at such moments. It's a dangeous feeling. It's an exciting feeling. He's up against raw power. The Leviathan does not care what it's target has read or said. It destroys the target. Is he a target? Obviously not. But now he can sense what it's like to be on the wrong side of power. He hates it, but he loves it. Alas, it's his power too. He's on the right side, is he not?

Such awesome power, he thinks, if channeled properly, can be an end in itself, not just a means to an end. If John Keegan's seminal masterpiece, "The Face of Battle," told one all one needs to know about blood terror of ground combat, then being on the receiving end, if only momentarily, of President Bush's manipulative schema, should serve as an equivalent lesson about the realities of power. Kristol feels the heat. Is this his Icarian moment? Hardly. Consider it one ferocious lesson in practical politics. He internalizes it.


Bill Kristol:
Mr. President, please forgive my lack of focus. It's a flaw. Let my rhetorical errata be my political stigmata. Your cause is my cause and my cause is to bear witness. In doing so, my hope, our hope, is to ....

President Bush:
You still have not answered me. If you continue to try to change the subject, I'll make you run to 7-11, get me a Big Gulp, and be back within twenty-seven minutes. Make that a Double Big Gulp, which is harder to run with because the plastic top is so wide that it falls off when you squeeze the cup, which you can't help but do when running. For every minute you're late, I'll make you do twenty-seven pushups, in symbolic honor of your original twenty-seven minute time limit, which you will fail to meet!

Bill Kristol:
Yes, Mr President. I understand now. I apologize for the delay. My mother often told me I was a nice kid. Even though I am now middle age, she will sometimes still employ saccharine adjectivals as part of her general advocacy. However, since she is my mother, her compliments on my behalf and even her Nelsonian broadsides against shared adversaries, while lovingly appreciated, are of limited practical utility to me due to perceptions of bias. Besides, as I seek to cultivate Arete, only achievments that are clearly my own, are worth drawing attention to. Nevertheless, you're larger point is well taken Mr. President. Indeed, we all do have mothers. I suppose my initial reticence, was a conditioned reflex...

President Bush:
Stop. Conditioned reflex? Who are you? Yogi Berra or just a cup of yogurt stolen from a Yogi? I think it's number two and your dripping it all over Da Place. You missed my point, Mr. Pointlocator-notabletoator. (sternly) You did not listen.

Bill Kristol:
Forgive me. Please, I am at a loss for words. (now genuinely nervous) Why do you want to know? I will tell you all you wish to know. We are on the same side, Mr. President. I assure you, you have no more loyal ally.

President Bush:
Your last six words are false. Are they lies? I'll let it slide, cause you seem nervous. But if you were on the payroll, we'd have to haze you and have you streak around the West Wing with a Chirac mask on and some of Jeb's Florida oranges strategically placed for modesty sake. Believe you me that ain't funny, you know, 'cept for spectators. Brother Marv laughs loudest, just so you know. Don't worry. You're safe, for now. You're learning your place in the Dubyaverse. You're only a little nervous. You're a pretty cool customs officer. At least you don't smell like hell. Not yet. But should da Busho cause you some pusho, you may want to borrow some advispers from Me Press Smelletary Scotso Plopso on your way out the dooreedoo, Paleeepoo. Just smashing your chops. You actually smell like a televison talking point or maybe a library. Like a whole lotta books. Maybe that's why the First Lady gave you that warm smile of hers.

First Lady:
George.

President Bush:
Uh sorry. Just joshing wid Da Frosh. Now dat Kristol here knows which way the sun shines, I'll try to cue him in how to shine some shoes. Your Mom called you nice. Not a big deal. Like you said, we all got moms. Even my mom said I was nice. I think it was in 1987 or 1990. What counts most is what Forty-Three says about her, not what she says about you. You missed that. Guess your SAT scores were not that great, huh? Guess what? Neither we're Bill Bradley's; they were much worse than mine. Not that your icky little pals in the fancy media cared to notice. Ohhh noooo, they called Bradley a "thinker," so when his rotten egg scores came out, they all said, "oh, irrelevant." But your lib pals called me "dumb." So when my far far better scores came out, they all said, "not good enough for me or MIT." We'll guess what? It backfired, Cooter. Yeah, maybe my SAT scores were not good enough for MIT, but they were much better than Mister Individual Talkradiolistener's, who just happens to be the MIT that votes. So Mister Individual Talkradiolister put on his Good Folks Cap and said, "hey, if they think his scores were bad, what do they think about me and my scores?" Capicey Cooly?

Bill Kristol:
Spot on, Mr. President. Spot on.

President Bush:
Spot on? You ain't a Brit. Why pretend you are?

Bill Kristol:
Agreement, sir. Just wished to let you know, in no uncertain terms, that I concur with your statement, both in letter and in spirit. I am in the media, but certainly not of it. Standing apart, I maintain critical distance. Further, I am a conservative, not a liberal. You have me as a supporter, not as an opponent.

President Bush:
Yeah, the liberals oppose me cause they think I'm dumb, but you folks supported me cause you thought I was dumb. Are you learning otherwise? Good for you. We all grow up. I'm still growing. Have you seen how much Andy Card has grown? Anyway. You ain't unique thinking I'm dumb. Also, you ain't unique to lie say that ain't what you thought, which is what you were 'bout to do before I mercifully cut you off. You're also not unique to mimic the Brits. Ohhhh noooo. You press guys all love the Brits, with their Corinthian leather accents. You're all jealous them and they are jealous of your paychecks. Spot on? Who you kidding? Like I said, you may be smart, you may be on my side for now, but you ain't unique. Hooch is unique, but that's another story. Do you know who else is unique. Do you know?

Bill Kristol:
You are unique, Sir.

President Bush:
No I'm not. I'm just an ordinary guy, who came here by way of West Texas. Put a fishing rod in my hand, a pinch of chew in my cheek, when I'm done here fighten evil, and I'll be back to Mt. Vernon. I mean Prarie Chapel Ranch, in Crawford, Tee-Has, USA. But I do appreciate the thought. Now, think Egghead. Who is unique, that you know?

Bill Kristol:
I give up sir. I am at your mercy. Please forgive me of my ignorance.

President Bush:
Your mother is unique. I informed you about that directly. Don't you listen when people talk about your Mamma? What's wrong with you? Here I am, the most powerful man in the history of the world in one of the best planets in the solar system and I'm telling you about you Mom, and you miss a key detail. Say what? Now, why is that? What else you missing? Need a milk carton?

Bill Kristol:
I do not know sir. Exchanging pleasantries, I did not wish to read into it. Maybe I read into what should have been heard plainly. I did listen though. I recalled you called my mother a scholar and I was grateful, in my own way, for that.

President Bush:
Grateful to hear your mom called a scholar? Do you have any idea how many scholars there are in America? Hundreds, at least. But unique is special. Scholar is boring. Unique was the word I used to describe your Mom, but you worried more about she said to describe you! You missed the mountain for the pebbles or trees or something. Why is your Mom unique? Don't tell me you don't know.

Bill Kristol:
Her IQ is in the top percentile? She was ahead of the curve, rejecting socialism?

President Bush:
Rejecting socialism? How does that make her unique? Besides a Pair of Eyeglasses at Yale and maybe a young Putin, who ever believed in socialism to begin with? Rejecting something that nobody in ever believed in is not unique. Also, theres lots of smart folks with a high BS score. That ain't unique. Look, I'll have to help you out. A little help! A little help! Didn't I ask you if your Mom ever described you as nice? Didn't I? Come on.

Bill Kristol:
Yes Sir. You did, Sir.

President Bush:
Bingo. That makes her unique. That does not make you nice. Did I call you nice? You better listen real good. Your supposed "nice" qualities are not why I or anyone else who is cool will ask you for advice. Nope. Leave "nice" to Gertrude. She's unique. How many others think you are nice? Do the math. Actually, don't bother, we've done the math and I gotta tell you, it's classified! Maybe Scooter will leak it down your leg the next time he pats you on the back. Maybe my spies will tell me. Hey pal. You are smart, but only when someone forces you to really think.

Bill Kristol:
Thank you, sir. Sorry I missed the nuance. No scratch that. It wasn't nuance. It was direct, straightforward, and solid. Rock of Gibralter. I am learning from you to look at things as they are. I am improving. I wish to offer advice.

President Bush:
Not nice advice. I don't want nice advice. Laura's nice. She gives me too much nice advice.

First Lady:
George

Bill Kristol:
No nice advise, I promise. Grown up, hard bitten, cold, calculating, sage advice. Lippmanesque, but with an edge. I promise. Not to diminish the, no doubt, excellent advice, which you regard as nice, that you receive from the First Lady.

First Lady:
Oh Bill.

President Bush:
Time to stop playing Chinese Checkers with the Syrian and the Iranian? After all, they ain't Chinese. Agree?

Bill Kristol:
Agree? (elated) Oh boy do I. You are always an upside surprise Mr. President. You are like a stock that consistantly beats the Street's consensus estimates. You are so right. We have to deal with the Syrians and the Iranians. Oh boy, you are right about that. How right you are. Yes, Sir.

President Bush:
How soon you forget. I told you to listen. I said Iranian and Syrian. I did not say Iranians and Syrians. I am speaking of their Mean Teams, not the their people, who I have found, after studing the World Almanac, to be real fine folk. Of course, if we stop playing Chinese Checkers with their Mean Teams and we start playing, something a bit more shocking or a bit more awesome, some good folks might get scratched, but it ain't intentional. You understand? You shave, right? You've cut yourself by accident, right? If you shaved a whole city, full of men with beards, you'd probably have even more accidental cuts and scratches, right? Not intentional though, right? Just so we all read from the same stage (wink). You like to read right? That's what Laura says.

First Lady:
George

Bill Kristol:
Excellent advice, Mr. President. Excellent. No more lazy plural coming from me. Would you like me to write about our meeting in a column? Would you prefer a whispering campaign? I will be having cocktails with just about everyone that matters in the next month or so. The broader struggle for freedom, during our unipolar moment, in the "what went wrong" areas, where our many adversaries plot and plan, is one that cannot be limited to one so-called nation state or another. Antique borders, drawn up by very serious and very admirable British colonial officiers, in days gone by, are just that. They are antique and are best honored in the breach or when they appear on the wall of a map room in a fine London club.

President Bush:
Kristol Gets Game! Continue.

Bill Kristol:
Freedom is not just another word for nothing less to lose. Freedom is a world in which we don't lose. Losing is a word that brave men are not free to speak. You are brave, Mr. President, and one day the world will be free. When that day comes, and it will, the whole world will know your name. They will speak of the struggle, and the result. They will speak of the honor, the nobility, and the true peace, whose name will be yours. Victory. Our children and our children's will sing songs about us, but we will always sing songs about you.

President Bush:
I think you snagged part of that "song" angle from Perletoon, but I'll let it slide. Hey, I like a song now and then, though I can't really sing. Though the First Lady might testafool you otherwise.

First Lady:
George.

President Bush:
I'm gonna need you way out in front in the next year or so. A whole lotta shaken' going on, if you catch my Bush? It might get a little hot. You don't mind a little heat no do you, Mr. Bill? If you leave the kitchen, I bet you'd have some company. Hairy times. No time for comb overs or do overs. Hey, you don't mind some flack, do you? Put on your flack jacket. Just like a soldier, sort of. Hey, It doesn't bother you when they call you a chickenhawk?

Bill Kristol:
Bother me? It does not even register. In any event, the premises implicit in the hate epithet "chickenhawk," have already been demolished by my editorial staff. They also call you, ah um, what I mean is that it's a not an argument, but a rhetorical club, used to bash serious intellectual inquiry. To illustrate, I probably use the minerals chromite and borate in a variety of consumer products, in my house, most of which I am not aware of. Those minerals may have been originally mined in Turkey. I am not a Turkish citizen. Does anyone suggest that I should not be allowed to use consumer products containing those commodites, just because I've never been a Turkish citizen? Also, I avail myself of police resources to protect myself, my property, and my family. Yet, I do not have many law enforcement personel in my family. Does anyone serious suggest just because I may lack a familial connection to this or that particular protective unit, that I should not be allowed to advance contrarian law enforcement theories in my magazine? I am a citizen. I can speak and write about whatever I wish. So it's true that I benefit from military resources, but I have not been in the military. So what. If it did matter, I more than made up for it with my strenuous advocacy on behalf the Reagan defense budget, in each fiscal year, at a critical time during the cold war, and in front of hostile liberal audiences. I've never been shot at in battle, but I have been sneered at, shouted at, and even had pies tossed my way. Half the subscribers of Harper's hate my guts. How do I know? They tell me so to my face when I see them at cocktail parties. I've paid my dues and then some.

President Bush:
You're a good man Charlie Brown. Don't be so defensive though. Before I forget, I recall you mentioned that fact I gave your poppy Irvy the Medal of Freedom. You're Dad's is a good man. He supports me. But you shouldn't try to take credit for your Dad's accomplishment. Did you ever go hunting with your Dad and then try to take credit for his kills? Hey, do you recall the first time you, as a young man, went hunting, without your Dad or Jim Baker around to serve as chaperon? If not, I got a lesson for you.

Bill Kristol:
I'm not sure I follow.

President Bush:
One summer, home from Andover, I went hunting with some of the fellas from Midland. None of our Dads were with us and neither was Jim Baker. It was our first time. Anyway, after some stealthy recon, we found our prey. But when I slinked up on me tippy toes and went to stab this damm pig in the ass, I slipped in some of his swine slop and woke up some of the pig's family. I knew I had better hurry up or else I was gonna be the pig's family's pig, if you know what I mean (wink). Some of my pals ran away. Others stayed. Those that stayed are with me to this day. Those that ran away are mostly in jail for one reason or another. So there I was, facing this stuck swine, stabbing it furiously with my Bowie knife, an original Arkansas toothpick. My knife was not sharpened! No matter how hard I stabbed, the beast would not die. Pig blood is everywhere! Bits between my teeth! Soon it degnerated into a fistfight. Thankfully pigs don't have fists. Meanwhile the pig's family starts going after me. But you know, in a way, I respect that. Still I had to run away. The pig's family chased my oinky ass all accross, what seemed like half of West Texas. I finally escaped. A few months later, I found out my Dad was playing golf with the owner of those pigs. You can imagine how I felt! When I was introduced the owner, I felt like he knew. I just sensed it. Where were we? My point is, be prepared. Sharpen your tools. Don't get a head of yourself. Know the difference between real and fake allies. I'd like to think you're a stand up guy. Would you have stuck with me, while I stuck that pig? Sometimes I am not sure.

First Lady:
George

Bill Kristol:
Mr. President, I'm not sure I can place myself in that particular situation. I wish I could, but I cannot. Maybe that's no longer quite right. Arguably a soupçon of faith based dietary rigor on my part, providing it meets the old Kantian smell test, could dovetail propitiously with the propogation of your Weltanschauung. Though logically beside the point and often grounded more in metaphysics than in the realities of the modern Polis, personal displays of any exacting discipline, can sometimes lend one added argumentative credibility with broader audiences. Many studies have shown this. Regardless, even in my freewheeling soi-disant apikoros youth, I would have probably demurred from joining your intrepid posse altogether on that fatefull day. Perhaps, my imagination is too occupied right now, but I just cannot see myself in such an extreme scenario.

President Bush:
Why not? You're in one right now. Hey, you hunt Dove Tail?

First Lady:
George

Bill Kristol:
Touche. I guess I didn't hunt animals too much as a kid. But I did manage to witness and hear about some feuds between Lillian Hellman, Mary McCarthy, Dwight McDonald, and many others, that would make that peculiar developmental moment of yours seem pretty tame by camparison. Not just with the Partisan Review crowd, mind you. Don't get me started on Commentary or Dissent. Interesting, till this day, I can still recall exactly where I was the first time I was told about William Barrett's break with Marx and modernism. All I can say, Mr. President, is that I will stick with you as you continue to pursue the Bush Doctrine, which happens to be outlined in vivid detail, in my magazine. Perceptive eyes have sometimes blinked noticing that we have been more loyal to your doctrine than some wobbly elements that have burrowed within your otherwise exemplary team. You can think of us as another set of eyes and ears, aiding your own, which are acute but objectively not omnipotent.

President Bush:
Not omnipotent? Hmm. Should I dump Cheney and hire Cialis?

First Lady:
George.

Bill Kristol:
What I meant, Mr. President is that I think. Oh let me see, I don't want to misspeak.

President Bush:
Then don't speak. You ain't Larry Speakes, by the way. Here, read this memo Turd flushed down to me before you came in. I probably shouldn't show this to you, but here it is.


Kristol looks at the memo handed from the President. Immediately In the front of his mind is a worry that he just touched something that may one day constititute part of chain of evidence in one sordid criminal proceeding or another, whether in the US or the EU. The last thing he needs to worry about is the dread spectre of a looming warrent when he lands in Madrid, Paris, Brussells, Bonn or Berne to give a talk or sit on a panel. But isn't this his crowded hour? Time to takes risks. If not now, when? Alas, as Kristol leans forward and begins to read, liquified condescension within his being begins to evaporate, leaving granulated bits anxiety desperate to fill some of the empty spaces.

Memo To President
From: CodusTurdus
Re: Kristol, Development, Influence, British Empire Etc.
EYES/DWR/DAMAGE/OPPO/PKJKRTD-0786497989/CODE AP/LIBSCALE (a.6.7.b)/UNCERTAIN/WORKUP
Nota Bene, Source Book, Gang of Five,By N.Easton, LIBSCALE (7.d.1.-z.)EYES//others sources/TS/EYES
*Some casual backround [intercept:^&^*%*%*&%^%-codes **
* Plus, [Kristol} wore Agnew T-shirt/despite thinking Agnew crass/called RN 1972 bombing of Haiphong "one of the great moments of American History." May not have been sincere/Supported "Scoop" Jackson for Pres.
* Easton alledges Riverside Dr, NYC address/No known Kristol denial/admitted socialists nearby (rumor)
* [Kristol] -Starts magazine in 7th grade (two collaborators)/Name:Turtle Scoops/satire(allegedly)/ Based on Hellenist myth of Hermes (possible syncretism away from born faith)(vulnerability scale:Vz3) (nb: parents diet reportedly unrestricted-Scale:f-q/cue:unconfirm//statL^h
NB- Kristol mom named Bea. Prof.nameGertrude/Advise: use Gertrude so as to maintain psychic distance/admirer of 19th cent. Brit. Empire/Tory/brown eyes/ negative view of moderns// comments:Codeax:676gghty76ygyw576dud677DECODES
*1974-Kristol with collaborators participlated in **Ritual Pig Roast**/celebrating British Empire/100th BdayChurchill/admires foreigners//Exoteric/Esoteric split rating:v3e
*1977-Declared pop singer Billy Joel a Straussian due to pop hit 'stranger' (check intel) "we all have a face we hide away forever/-Kristol allegedly initiated to Strauss-Hellenist -Faction (S.H.F)(Plato:codee4) in the 70s/Strauss-faction-Source (#34))says attempt to create Philosopy Empire/2V2/tutored by Mansfield/Blitz, calls for "guided populism" and elite build "politics of liberty, the sociolgy of virtue."Athens/Jerusalem split/dichotomy//////////////code///////////////////////
Code:information/cue in pw *******?XCON677876hjhj677?/EYES/Burn coded mark
*Senior thesis-coopted de Toqueville to criticise non elite settlers treatment of Indians-could be op-opted by left on this point (issue code888)//PhD- calls seperation of powers"sacred"-good when he applies to Courts usurping Congress/But could be turned against us/vis-a-vis-inaccurate 16 words in SOTU and other inaccuracies/Kristol-established tactical distance from Reed-Scanlan-Abramoff-Norquist/Code:vxrytg67?/EYES/Annoys Bob Dole/Friends with Gary Bauer
*****CodeDFR-HJHY-DS-NO*****


President Bush:
Well well well. Look who likes to party with pigs. Look who like to par-tee with pigs!.(Mimics French accent). Le Chateau Le Oink Meiser, Vintage 1974. Haha. Celebrating the British Empire? in the 1970s? At Harvard? And your liberalmedia buddies make fun of me because I was normal and liked good times and stuff. Yet, here you are torching pigs in ritual! With no drug use allegations? Did you offer the pig a fair fight? At least I fought fair with the pig and his family. Well sorta fair. I think some of the pig's extended family still recognize me. I have to live with that. Interesting year, 1974. That's one of the years Turd asked me not to draw attention to (wink), but the one thing I can tell you I was not doing in 1974 was burning up some pig carcasses in Harvard Yard, celebrating the lost Albino-Sexy glory, even though I am a White Albino Sexist Protestant, which would've given me a damm good excuse.

Bill Kristol:
We were young and idealistic. Context is key. We were mostly honoring Churchill, so in a sense we were, pre-emptively honoring you, since you are picking up where Churchill left off.

President Bush:
So your pig pickin' is sort of tied, symbolicooly, into my pig stickin'? But Churchill was the British Empire. I talked about him with Hooch. The British Empire died.

Bill Kristol:
But the American Empire is being born. Maybe it was born as you darted accross that West Texas prarie like a shooting star. You were the fortunate son stealing blood from that unfortunate swine, like Prometheus stealing fire from the Gods. Maybe my small taste of the forbidden pig, some years later, in heady days of youth, was but a small taste of truth, of the future, of power. Maybe my sensibility was not with the past, but with the future, with you, with Empire, with glory not yet seen, but dreamt about mightily. We are only as brave as our dreams.

President Bush:
I had a dream last night. A very clear dream - the kind the experts call a lucifer dream. In my dream, my dog Barney, stole all of my socks.

First Lady:
George.

President Bush:
Where were we? We have a big day of games, but that's more important than you wonkers think. We'll have talk more later about those Mean Teams. Maybe you'll wanna write about this in your little magazine. Not sure if you should refer to me as a "senior administration official." Too many folks will figure out it's me. Maybe you should just say you spoke to me, that way enough folks will assume you're lying and they''ll attribute it all to Karl. That'll give me some deniacoolcatability, should I begin to supect some time down the road you be thinking of stickin' me politically, like I stuck that scrappy slopster.

Bill Kristol:
I shall stick with you, first, last, and always.

President Bush:
We'll see. Recall what I told you about how we'd have to haze you if your were on the payroll? Let's see how good you are at math. I already told you Marv laughs loudest. What If you slip in some political slop in the next year or so and force us to have you helmet the Chirac mask for the old West Wing runaround? What percentage of all people, good guys and bad guys, would find that to be a hilarious to see or hear about. What percentage?

Bill Kristol:
Everyone except my mother?

President Bush:
Wrong! You're Mom is your Mom, but she's human. Come on, she'd laugh.

First Lady:
George.

President Bush:
Awright, I'll cut you some slack on that one. Maybe I was too strict, but you're learning your way around the Dubyaverse. The First Lady's making me soft (wink). Gotta let you go. Johnny Mickey Laughey is on. Too bad he don't have you on. Maybe he should. Maybe not. Maybe I'll tell him too. We'll see. Bye Bye!

Bill Kristol:
Thank you, Mr. President. It was a pleasure.

President Bush:
A pleasure? That's Kristol's too bad sense spewing, not my four quarters of truth speaking. Gimme my dollar Bush back.

First Lady:
George.

President Bush:
Hey Kristol, maybe we'll have to send you thru the East Wing, not the West Wing. The East Wing is the First Lady's wing. It's mostly women over there. Haha. That would be hilarious. Just kidding. For now. Haha.

First Lady:
George

President Bush:
Bye Bye!

Picture Credit: S. Mitchell/HarvardNewsService

Future Bush Script: Media & McClellan

Liberalmedia:
Scott, the President has been in office for five years, but he never says he's sorry. Why won't he apologize? Or admit error? Why not one sincere, "sorry?" Even David Brooks, the conservative, told me he thought a Presidential apology was fair when I saw him at a cocktail party. I'd like a follow up. Just one, please.

Scott McClellan:
This President believes in accountability. He says what he means and he means what he say. Standing firm. Shoulder to shoulder. Never again. NineEleven. The mistake that occurred - er ah, the one I believe you are alluding to - when that mountain girl, Ms. England, was caught being mean to some evildoers, has already been dealt with by court martial. Does that satisfy you?

Liberalmedia:
Yes. Thanks Scott. Oh, about the Iraqi elections...

Scott McClellan:
Make it quick.

Liberalmedia:
Does Moktada al-Sadr support a woman's right to choose?

Scott McClellan:
I'll have to get back to you on that one. Next question?

Liberalmedia:
Thanks Scott. Sorry to be so pushy.

Les:
Tony Blair is a socialist. He's basically admitted as much. You do know that Scott, don't you? With that in mind, what...

Scott McClellan:
Les, I fail to see where you are ...

Les:
Let me finish Scott, Mao didn't celebrate Christmas. You know that Scott. The ChiComs don't even celebrate Santa, much less real Christmas. Don't dodge Scott. Don't dodge Scott. You know it's true. You know it's true. What does the President, on whose behalf you presume to speak, think about thems apples?

Scott McClellan:
The President is not Chinese, Les. Trust me, I anticipated that one.

Mainstreammedia:
Trust Scott??? You told all of us that Rove and Libby had nothing to do with the Plame leak. Now we know that was wrong. We know you were wrong! How can we trust you anymore?

Scott McClellan:
Ongoing investigation. President wants to get to the bottom. Ongoing investigation. NineEleven. Ongoing investigation. I told you we have trust. Look at the transcript. The transcript says we have trust. Does that answer your question?

Mainstreammedia:
Yes. Thanks Scott. Sorry to be so pointed. Didn't mean to imply anything. You have trust. It's in my editors notes and it's in your personality profile.

Helen:
Scott, everything you say is wrong. Everything you say is the opposite of the truth. Why?

Scott McClellan:
Helen, you can disagree with fighting terrorism. If you wish to take the side of the evildoers, that's your right. We can disagree, but you must trust us to tell you the truth about America's policies, even if you wish to take the other side.

Helen:
How can I or any of us trust you Scott? How? Everything you say is wrong. You...

Scott McClellan:
Helen, please. No one doubts us on trust. Sorry to cut you off, but you have to trust me. Trust is part of the Mainstreammedia's consensus view of me. Go check Mainstream's notes. Go check them. Before you ask another question, keep in mind, we have soldiers in harm's way.

Mainstreammedia:
Sorry to be so rough Scott. Happy Holidays.

Scott McClellan:
Thanks, oh ah..wait.. uh...holidays? Uh... Mainstream. Not uhhh sure, ahh if that's uhh. Look, let's just take it slow, ahh - hafta get back to you on that. The President, uhhh...ahh...uhhh, wants all Americans..uhh...

Les:
Ha! You're afraid to disagree Scott. What ever happened to Merry Christmas? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Scott McClellan:
Les, you had your say. Come on everyone. Let's just slow down a bit. This press event must come to a close now. Harm's way. Soldiers. NineEleven. Trust. NineEleven. Ongoing. NineEleven.Thanks.


Scott McClellan leaves the podium. He is sweating from the grilling he just endured. The hands of a free press are hot hands indeed. In his worst nightmares, he never anticipated such a hostile media environment. Sometimes he wonders if it was all worth it. But the day is not over. Now he has to debrief the President. He whispers a modest prayer to himself, hoping the President is in a good mood. Did the President see the grilling? On the one hand he hopes he did. On the other hand, he is not sure. Much depends on the President's mood.

As he walks into the Oval Office, Scott notices the President is lying on the floor with his favorite pillow near the fireplace. He is playing the Strat-O-Matic baseball boardgame with Barney, his dog. At first the President does not notice Scott, so he continues chatting with Barney. The President calls these chats barkversations. Barney barks, then the President barks back. Both seem to understand and respect each other on a very deep level . Scott envies the level of communication Barney has with the President. Sometimes Scott thinks to himself that Barney should be the Press Secretary, if that would help to communicate the President's vital message during this time of terror. Barney is the President's best friend. Scott's just staff. Valued staff indeed, but staff nonetheless.


Scott McClellan:
Mr. President, I just briefed the press. I want to review...

President Bush:
Briefed the press? Where? In the Gulf of Mexico? What's that smell? Ew, Scott The Stinkbomb. Did you soil yourself? You smell like Hell.

Scott McClellan:
Uhhhh.....ahhhhh......

President Bush:
No excuses Scott. Never let 'em see you sweat or smell your smell. Next time just take some salt tablets and beta blockers. Maybe some B12 too. Might be a good idea to wear "Depends" adult diapers for briefs too, especially if you expect to de-brief me afterwards. When I said I want "the poop," I meant I want the news of the day. I do not want the actual poop in your pants. Anyway, that was one tough grilling you got. Helen was viscous. Viscous. Viscous. Vicious. Abu Grillen', almost.

Scott McClellan:
Uh...ah..Yes, it appears Helen does not trust you. I'm sorry sir.

President Bush:
Nice try Scott. Don't shift blame. I saw the exchange. Helen never mentioned me. She did mention you. A couple of times she said you were wrong. She asked whether or not you can be trusted. She did not mention me once. Personally, I get along with Helen. Leave me out of your dust up. I have enough to worry about without getting involved with one of your little spats with reporters - this pesky press stuff.

Scott McClellan:
Sorry sir. Accountability. My fault. Standards.

President Bush:
Those media jackals went after you just like Barney goes after a buried bone. Sometimes when Barney's asleep, I move the buried bone, just for a friendly tease. Barney starts looking for the bone again in the morning at the old spot, because some of the bone scent remains. Eventually Barney realizes that the bone is not there, but only after he makes a funny waste of valuable potential dogbone-time. I feel a little guilty, but I always apologize to Barney. He forgives me. Scott, word to the wise, think of yourself as a human dogbone, a Scottbone, who can hide himself anew after each press conference. Maybe Reburiedscottbone should be your new nickname. We'll see. Has a ring to it. Maybe I'll adjust it. Maybe I'll shorten it. So long as it illustrates my Scottbone reburial theory. Tomorrow morning, the press dogs will start digging for you again, in all your Scottbone-osity, in all those old Scottbone burial locations. Make sure to move the Scottbone, but leave some Scottbone-scent for trick bait. By the time those press dog reporters realize the Scottbone went missing, the news-cycle will have changed.

Scott McClellan:
Excellent advice, Mr. President.

President Bush:
I see they singled you out for some grief on the Holiday/Christmas issue too. That's just wrong. These so-called liberals are not very tolerant, huh? No manners. Sorry to see them put you in that position.

Scott McClellan:
Uh, no problem sir. Politics.

President Bush:
Taking one for the team? Good for you. If you had a jib, I'd like the cut of it.

Scott McClellan:
Thank you sir. Much appreciated. I replied to ...

President Bush:
Scotso, you know this "War on Christmas" stuff is not exactly my bag. I don't really see it. Really. You don't see me pushing it, do you? If some wanna play that tune, maybe that's ok, but not me. Maybe Karl wants it to fester a bit - breed some anxiety stink for later on? Me? Bambozzzle !!! I already got lots of wars going on. I'm not prejudiced either Scott. No siree, not a bit. I think I've been pretty inclusive. You catch?

Scott McClellan:
Yes sir. Might be a distraction sir.

President Bush:
Ha, you catch my drift and I catch yours. Catch as catch can. Right Ho, Paleepoo! Incidentally Scotty, not to toot my own horn, but I think you'll have to agree, I've been very inclusive. I've been a pretty good friend to Israel too. Some say better than my Dad. Agree?

Scott McClellan:
Uhhh, I guess, I er ah, Agree? Yes. Nothing against your Dad, sir. Not sure what ...

President Bush:
Thanks Scott. I'll let you go and wash up. You've had a tough day and all. I'm no Bush to beat around the bush. Look, I just want to wish you and your whole family a happy Hanukkah. Think of me and Laura when you light those candles. If you have a Hanukkah bush, think of this Bush. Right buddy?

Scott McClellan:
Um...ahh.. um...ahh...Hanukkah?

President Bush:
Something wrong Scotso? Any prejudice 'bout your heritage? Any problem, you just come and tell me. Don't believe anyone in the eliteliberalmedia who thinks I'm prejudiced. You know that ain't so.Is he the right man for the job? Is she the right woman for the job? Do they serve my interests as well as I serve America's interests? Do they serve my interests as well as I serve the interests of the world? That's all I ask. Ask Colin. Ask Karen. Ask Condi. Ask Norm. Ask Alberto. Ask all the others. Look, I'm proud to have you work here, playing pin cushion for the press and all that. I tell everyone. Same went for Ari. Incidentally, Ari was good. Sometimes he even stuck them back. Ari's a good man. He's a better man than Paul O'Neil; that's for sure. Ari knew when to speak and now, dammit, he knows when to keep his trap shut, on key issues.

Scott McClellan:
Um...ahh..oh...um...ahh..Mr. President...um.. ahh

President Bush:
Don't be defensive. Gotta demand 'spect Scotso? Don't let them make you feel self-conscious? Be proud of who you are and you do. By your fruits and stuff. Think about it: God's chosen people, God's chosen President, President's chosen Press Secretary. Do the math, for Chrissakes! It all adds up in your favor, right? Kemosabe kemotherapy! Be firm! Be solid! Be Texas! Happy Hanukkah!

Scott McClellan:
Um...ahh,..oh..I'm not..ahh,um..ah..umm, Mr. President, thanks, but I'm, ah.. not,..ahh..um.ahh

President Bush:
Don't be defensive. Just relax. If you can't chill around me, where can you chill? You're among friends. Go and wash up Scott. Get ready to hide that Scottbone of yours anew. Tomorrow's a new day.

Scott McClellan:
Thank you sir, but I'm not, ahh, uh,..(gulp)...uhh.ahh,..I'm actually not, ah.. uh, oh..Thanks..ah..oh.hmm..uh.I'll have to,..uh... talk to you tomorrow. Clarify some stuff.

President Bush:
Hey Scott, (The President stands to face Scott and raises his glass of chocolate milk with its bits of floating graham cracker high above his head, in a toast.) ... L'Chaim !!!! (After bellowing this to Scott, the President chugs downs the whole chocolate milk-graham cracker mix, then he turns around and smashes the empty milk glass into the Oval Office fireplace.)

Scott McClellan:
Huh?

President Bush:
Consider yourself bucked up! (The President smiles and Barney barks in assent. Drops of chocolate milk cluster in the corners of the President's mouth, while crums of graham cracker pepper his left shoulder.) Scotso, you did ok. You're gonna be okay. Go on home now, rest and wash up. Now I gotta wash up before the First Lady gets back. (The President straightens up into a severe mock-soldierly posture, then he gives Scott a paternalistic wink.) I'll See Ya' Later, Escalator!

Future Bush Script: Bush & Hitchens

Andy Card:
Xbox 360 ?

President Bush:
QUIET!!! Dweebacle- You're blocking the screen . Go get me cheeseburgers - oh, by the way, clean your shirt - you have ketchup stains all over it. 'Murican pee-pol want White House discipline, honor and dignity.

Andy Card:
Yes Mr. President. Sorry Mr. President

President Bush:
Stop apologizing - No wonder your lonely. When you're no longer staff, you'll wanna get out and meet someone, maybe settle down. Women sense weakness. You know - instinct and intuition - it's in their hormoney; the experts call it hydrogen. Chemistry. Makes 'em moody, but powerful.

Andy Card:
Uh, ... I'm married, Mr. President. My wife is a Minister. You've known ....

President Bush:
Yeah, Yeah,Yeah - Then confess to her, not to me, A.C.... (President tosses a Doritio and half a Fig Newton at Card)

Andy Card:
Ok Mr. President, Yes Mr. President, I'll be back soon. Medium? Medium rare?

President Bush:
What are you doing?

Andy Card:
Cleaning my shirt - getting the ketchup stains out, looking professional, respecting the office. Standards. You asked me to, Mr. President. I'll get those burgers.

President Bush:
You're shirt was clean, Half-Deck. There was no Ketchup stain. Don't shift blame. Accountability. Why didn't you just say, "Mr. President, my shirt is spotless, there are no stains." You see Andy, sometimes you're weak - I'm here to help. You gotta learn to overcome that weakness. Now- go get us some cheeseburgers.

Andy Card:
Yes sir - Right to it sir. Thanks for the advice, Mr. President.

President Bush:
Hey - did you just come in here to just bust my chops and break my PlayStation chill? I'm in my wet spot right now. What's the matter with you? Xbox 360? Are you kidding? I'm old school, if it were up to me, I'd be back in the day - putting my quarters on the Asteroids machine, rather than collecting my quarters to buy hemorrhoids cream, beyotch.

Andy Card:
Oh yes, sorry Mr. President - I came to tell you that Christopher Hitchens is here to see you and discuss Kurdistan and the Iraq war.

President Bush:
Hitchens? Do I know him? Is he cool?

Andy Card:
Pretty cool - sort of, sometimes. Karl thinks he's useful

President Bush:
Karl's dweeby, but I've taken him under my wing - Maybe it's time to , you know, remind him of his place in the Dubyaverse.

Andy Card:
Yes sir - couldn't agree more. Time to remind. Time to remind. Maybe let him know. I'll let Hitchens in and get the cheeseburgers.

President Bush:
Watch yourself, Half. You're not exactly Delta material yourself. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Capicey Cooly? One medium. One medium rare. One with pickle. One without. Mustard on the side. Bring in this Hitchens. Remember, details are important. Keep those ketchup stains out, you shoes clean, your hair combed, check your fly, your tie, and never let 'em see you lose your cool.

Card adjusts his tie, which was fine to begin with.Then he checks his fly, notices it fine, but in an abundance of obsequious caution, pretends to zip it anyway. As he goes to dust off his shoes, which are spotless, the President commands his attention.

President Bush:
What are you doing? Everything is fine. Why pretend otherwise? Life is tough enough as it is.

Andy Card:
Yes sir. As you say, it's the details that count sir. Standards.

President Bush:
Don't shift blame. It's not what I said that's at issue here. Better be carefull; you don't wanna be demoted; you don't wanna be a QUARTER-Deck.

Andy Card:
Yes sir. No, please don't demote. Sorry sir. Hitchens and cheeseburgers - gotta go get them.

----------------------------------------

Card exits the scene as Hitchens walks in. At the last second, The President calls out to Card by his diminutive 'Half-Deck.' Bush throws Card a football jersey in what seems like, to Card, slow motion. On the back of the jersey, the name "Mean Joe Dubya," is printed in bold letters. Card catches the jersey, smiles, then leaves.

The original inspiration for this managerial morale booster was the President's favorite old TV commerical, which he watches when he wants to "get psyched." In the commercial, one of the President's role models, legendary pro football tough guy "Mean Joe Greene," refreshes himself post-game with a Coca-Cola. "Mean Joe" then shows his compassionate side by tossing a used jersey to a young fan. Hoping to leverage these kind of sentiments, Karen Hughes had thousands of "Mean Joe Dubya" jerseys printed up. When they failed to win over many voter blocs, Hughes decided to re-deploy the high quality jerseys by giving them to favored staff, big donors, key diplomats and visiting heads of state.

A mini-scandal ensued, when a discarded jersey was found in a dumpster outside the French embassy, one night after a Christmas party. This led to a boycott of Euro-Disney by some Steelers fans, a boycott of Paris by three counties in West Texas, and rumors of a boycott targeted at Cote d'Azure, by the O'Reilly show.

-----------------------------------------

President Bush:
Who are you?

C. Hitchens:
I am Hitchens. Who, pray tell, did you think I was? Frere Peter? Brer Rabbitt? Uncle Remus? Mister Dooley?

President Bush:
You are Hooch. That is your name - Hooch! Say it! (The President, inverts his forearm, then snaps a bottle cap toward Hitchens, just missing his face.)

C. Hitchens:
I am not Hooch, I am Hitch. My nickname is Hitch. Let's be clear. Mr. President. I am sorry to say, this one time, you have been pre-empted ....

President Bush:
Not Hitch, bumble bee-otch!!! You're Hooch. I no longer drink, but Karl says you like a drop. No big deal. My staff hears so much gossip, they should be wearing hairdriers. Maybe Karl or Scooter heard that from someone in the liberalmedia. Maybe it was Judy Miller, or Matt Cooper, or Russert? Who cares? So you are my Hooch, my drink, not my pooch. Blair is my poodle. Poodle is a pooch, but you are my hooch. Blair and Hitch. You're both My Slimey Limeys! Ha Ha! Poodle and Hooch, Starsky and Hutch or whatever - just accept it bimbo. Don't be uncool. What can I do for ya? I'll tell ya what you can do for me, keep your shadow and your I-have-A-Coupon-For-A-Roy-Rogers-Bacon-Burger body from blocking Da PlayStation game screen - this ain't yo mamma's Space Invaders I'm playing, playa!

C. Hitchens:
Holy Mary, Mother of Modernism ...

President Bush:
Waooooossss, you saaaaaaayin, superfly?

C. Hitchens:
Nothing really - basically just talking to myself, trying to recall why I'm here, ahh - Look, you're a very busy man, as I can see. So am I. Let's get down to business.

President Bush:
Hey, I'm busy. I'm a busy bee! Work, Work, Work, Heeeeelllllllloooo Boys, I missed, Ya. Hahahahhaha. You now what movie that's from? I've seen Blazing Saddles more than I care to admit. Hahahhahahahah. I understand you support E-rack-ee Freedom. You support my war? Good for you.

C. Hitchens:
Support your war? Look closely, Mr. President. Do your see these crenellations on my frontal lobe? See these embrasures below my eyelids?

President Bush:
Maybe, if I looked. I'm busy. What's your point, Englishman.

C. Hitchens:
You said "my war." Who do think is doing the fighting? While the military deserves its share of credit, 'tis Hitch who keeps the Free Iraq flag flying high, above the ramparts, at least in most upscale publications. Mr. President, I have been the one, manning the ideological Battlements, enduring the seige, the relentless seige, as it pounds and pounds and pounds. This is my war, Mr. President, my soul is slashed, as if by porcupine quills.

President Bush:
Let me ask you a question.

C. Hitchens:
Let me give you an answer.

President Bush:
Do you have an Xbox or a PlayStation?

C. Hitchens:
Frankly, Mr. President, I'm hear to talk about Kurdistan. Do you mind of I smoke?

President Bush:
Um, ah..smoke? (President Bush looks around, and down the hall) I dunno if it's safe.

C. Hitchens:
Is smoking safe? Say it ain't so, Jellicoe. You kept that sinister smoking ban? Instituted by that Hoary Hecate, Hillary ...

President Bush:
Hillary who? Hillary Clinton? What whores? What cats? You love Hillary, right? Half-Deck says you're a commie, just like her.

C. Hitchens:
Love her? Love her? Hillary - the face that launched a thousand sh*ts? I'd let the Trojans capture and keep her, while we feast about our fast ships. I loath Hillery with all of my sinews. Molecules, formerly in extremely pleasant places, within my being, run in rampant madness when ever I hear her name. I fear she is a most dreaded witch. I speak my piece, not peace.

President Bush:
Trojans? Sorry pal, we are officially 'absintence only' - you know, the "base" and Karl's advice and stuff. Interesting idea though. I don't care if you smoke. However, I gotta tell you, I'm Mr. Clean, just like that guy on the deoderant bottle. I have no pipe in here. The wife and kids are out of town, so maybe you can have a looksee around, see what you find. Maybe some old bottles, flasks, tin foil, or even an apple, Mr. handyman? The candyman can. The candyman can. Anyway, nothing wrong with witches Hooch. Witches can be hot. Remember that TV show with the witch, Samantha? She lived in a lantern or a treehouse or shoe or something. She was hot. What's your fantasy wish, from a witch, Hooch? You want a Dorito?

C. Hitchens:
Good God. I only want to smoke a Rothman's cig. I left the Gauloises's at home, out of respect.

President Bush:
Whatever your into, Hooch. I just want it on the record - Dubya don't party no more. Not sayin, I ever did, you know I mean (wink, wink). Family values. The base. Word. You mentioned Kurdistan?

C. Hitchens:
Gracious of you to notice. Yes. Kurdistan. You do know that I love her so! . She is like a Hectic in my blood; Indeed, I am sick with love. Shouldn' t the whole world be so ill? Very well then. I am concerned. There are hints of trouble. Our relationship is strained. She fears abandonment. She is very worried. She has been betrayed before. She has "commitment issues." I am at a loss, trying to re-assure. Alas, I am just a man.

President Bush:
Maybe this sounds harsh, but you know what I think you should do?

C. Hitchens:
Wither wilt thou lead me? Speak : I will follow thee.

President Bush:
Dump her, Hooch. Dump her like a cold stack of pancakes. It does no good ...

C. Hitchens:
Mr. President, you miss my point, er....

President Bush:
Hey, did you just me cut me off? Before you even think about interrupting me again - have a look at England's GNP and their missle budget. Then take a look at mine. Poochy Tony don't mouth off, neither should Hoochy pony. BAMBOZZLE! Where were we. Kurdistan. Look, women are emotional. She will cry. Ultimately though, it's for her good. Don't string her along. Dump her. Vamose. Gone. Bye-bye! Look, your're British. You have stiff lips and sh*t. You ever heard of Winston Churchill? He was before your time.

C. Hitchens:
Churchill? Indeed, I have.

President Bush:
Well look, Churchill never met me, cause I'm basically your age, but Walter Churchill, or was it Winston, once said - Now, don't quote me precise and all- I have it written down on pizza box upstairs -From memory , he said, basically, no one is indispensible. Churchill said the graves of England are piled high with indispensible women. Jeez - That sounds harsh even though I am pro death penalty. In other words, Churchill, even with a name that was part Church, thought the indispensible were dispensibile. Yikes. Do the math, Egghead. Now, maybe unlike Churchill, I'm not implying it may be ok to harm anyone. I'm just saying you should dump her for her own good, as well as your own chill-osity. You ain't getting younger. Time to get your groove back, Hooch. Time to find your wet spot, your comfort level. What was her name again? I forgot. I'm busy as a bumble bee.

C. Hitchens:
Uh, Kurdistan

President Bush:
Yeah , Kurdistan. Parents hippies? Hey! There's also city in E-Rack with that name, I think. Hooch, you dating an Oriental from E-rack? Ha! - Whatever. Bottomline, still the same. Ya gotta dump her, like a cold stack of pancakes. Do you think Harriet is a pretty name? I could set you up. Womb has some single friends too.

C. Hitchens:
Womb?

President Bush:
Womb - Sorry, that's the First Lady's nickname. She's my wife, Laura. Don't touch. Double Womb is my Mom, who was also First Lady for my Dad. Double don't touch, Hooch. Hey, America ain't wombded with three wombs. I mean 'Murica. Ha!

C. Hitchens:
Mr. President, to be clear, Charles de Gaulle once noted, in reference to his own indispensible role, that "the cemetaries are full of indispensible men." In other words, De Gaulle was being modest, perhaps falsely, suggesting France will make do with or without him. Now, I assure you, I am not familiar with Churchill saying what you said he said. It's so similar, yet so different. Very well then, where were we? Kurdistan. My concern is not with any woman named Kurdistan. Does such a woman exist? I doubt. I doubt. My concern is with the Kurdish area of Iraq, along with all the women in it, not any woman in particular. I am concerned that problems may develop. What if Turkey invades when the Kurds say, "'tis time to part" from Iraq, the nation you and I so gallantly liberated . Cyprus redux? Regarding our oil in Kirkuk, does not Kudistan deserves fair play? Further, it is not too late to seek a newer world. A newer world is coming, whether you wish to seek it or not. Find her first, I say, before she finds you. The dialectic is moving. A good nudge from you is needed to prevent the dialectic from heading off in the wrong direction.

President Bush:
Ah yes, that Kurdistan. That's what I thought. You wus. Don't worry about E-rack. All the women in Kurdistan? Ha! You know what they say, "dialectics are a girls best friend," you dirty dog. Woof Woof Woof!! Forget about the rest of E-rack. 'Murican pee-pol gave me a mandate. God told me to invade, so I invaded. That's my story, and I'm stickin' with it, sometimes. It's in God's hands now. Say your prayers. You worry about stuff you cannot control, like these Oriental girlfriends of yours. Don't worry about E-rack. Be nice to the ladies, though. PlayStation?

C. Hitchens:
Pray? Who prays? Iraq is in your hands. What are you saying? - By the way, I am married- I have no "Oriental" girl friend, much less girlfriends. However, I am touched by your thoughts, not to mention your Anglophilic...

President Bush:
I ain't no Albino fogie. Thats what the liberalmedia tried to pin of Forty-One, just cause he was from New England and not poor. I'm a Texan. Thank God, Dad, and Yale for that. Old times. You're getting all nostralogic. Do you recall the old days, when those old Space Invader machines were still the most popular games. Lots of change spent. Way back when, that is. Where were we, you got us all sidetracked. Iran? Syria?

C. Hitchens:
Pardon? Ah, nostalgia. We go back from whence we came. Let us talk of that, but let us talk of many other things. Let us discuss Iraq, history, and memory. You called me "Englishman." Let us stipulate, just for now, that you are correct about that. Is not England playing Greece to your Rome? If so, indulge my Attic babble. Afterall, it is for your pleasure, not mine. This is your Court. This weary old Hellene, was not once, but is so now, your servent, albeit not very humble. Whilst I now praise famous men, if not the fathers who begat them, I am aware, as are you, that your father was once, where you are now. Do you recall? We were so young. We are so much older now. Much we have seen. More we have learned. Though we pause to reflect, fate remains our clock. Time has strengthened us still. What your father began, you shall finish. You have become greater than your father. As a modern Roman, you are playing Titus to your father's Vaspasian. Complete your father's work, I say, as Titus completed Vaspasian's. The Bush dynasty's conquest of Iraq may be as profound and world-historical as the ancient Roman triumph in Judea, about which we still hear much chatter. Will there be an Arch of Dubya erected in Crawford, just as the Arch of Titus was erected in Rome? Do note, this is a rather piquant allusion. Politically problematic historical allusions, should not be referenced in public; they should be whispered about coyly, among the esteemed Philosophers. For you, I counsel some quietism. Incidentally, other than to see a triumphant Arch, why would anyone ever wish to visit a terra-furnace like Crawford, Texas? Help to visualize Gehenna? Some things are just beyond me, fortunately. I do say, your rhetorical flourish - labeling everyone East of Suez, as "Oriental," triggered in me, a Proustian moment. Your talk of the Orient, my earlier reading of Kipling, add in some plum pudding, rather than madelaines, and it all reminds me of my father, my British heritage, and my family's service to the Empire. Incidentally, my father, served in Her Majesty's Royal Navy....

President Bush:
I accept your apology. You don't like Crawford? Hmm. There actually is a MickeyDees Arch pretty nearby. Anyhoo, you think I'm better than Dad? That's Interesting. Hey, does Silvio Burlesconi know about this Titus? Titus is a funny name. If he had a sister, I bet she was teased. Hehe. Wait a sec. Does the name Susie Titus ring a bell? Way back when. Skidmore? Vasser, maybe? Might be confusing someone. Like you said, we're getting older, but oh boy, we were young once. Ha. I'll have Karen check. Six degrees and roads leading to Rome and stuff? Anyway, we all have fathers. But we don't pray to them, we may use their houses as crash pads and we use their boats and stuff and get their pals to buy stuff and all. However. We don't pray to those fathers. We only pray to the Father. The Big Guy In The Sky!

C. Hitchens:
Hmm, Dick Cheney in a jumbo jet? Otherwise, I'm not a Godist. I'm an anti-theist.

President Bush:
Woooooooo - Mr. Complicated, are you the anti-Christ? Like in that movie ...

C. Hitchens:
Uh no, but I do oppose many of the policy positions attributed to the distinguished gentleman from Nazareth. Compared to you, He seemed a bit soft on crime. Was he not prematurely postmodern, what with his eclectic relativism? I'm puzzled many conservative stalwarts claim to support him. He would probably be to the left of Sen. Feingold on Pentagon spending. Would He have supported last years highway bill in the GOP controlled Congress? With all that pork? Not if he was observant. That's just my humble opinion. Also, with regard to Roman Imperial strategy, Jesus's main cell, the Apostles, failed to grasp the ...

President Bush:
Stop. So you don't really believe in Jesus. What about the Holy Spirit?

C. Hitchens:
Aqua Vitae? Can blended whiskey be called Holy ? If not, neither can the smoke from my Rothman's. Maybe I believe in some unholy spirits. Maybe I believe in aspects of Jesus's platform. Jesus's economic views, though inchoate, seem to have been heading in my direction. Pragmatic market-based socialism? Also, since I'm against the death penalty, if I lived back then, obviously I would have sat on panel discussions in opposition to all that Golgatha madness. Calvary in ancient Judea? Count me against. Cavalry in modern Iraq? You know where I stand.

President Bush:
I'll have to get back you on the death penalty. What about God? You said you don't believe in God? OK, If there is no God, why not just play PlayStation all day? If there is no God to say that's wrong, then what? Think about it. Ok -- I'll give you 50 percent score on Jesus, a 50 percent score on the Holy Spirit, but you get a zero score on God. That's one outta three. 1/3. You fail. Hey - you know what, I once failed a class, but I still graduated Yale, Ha! Since Blair is my Poodle Pooch and Putin is my Pooty-Poot, I need you around, Hooch. You get a pardon from me. Guess who God talks to? You're lucky. I'm glad to help you with your chickie problems. No Oriental girlfriend, you say? No problem. Do you like Afro- American women or African-American maybe, I think. It changes, you know it was black, then whateve. Anyway. Condi is single, upscale, pro-war, well-educated...

C. Hitchens:
No thanks, I'm married, Mr. President - I think I better quit while I'm ahead - or while I still have a head.

President Bush:
Ok... bimbo. You don't believe in God, but you do believe in ME right? In Moi? Go on, say it, say Moi-uncle or Moiuncle. Haha.

C. Hitchens:
Car c'est à toi qu'appartiennent le règne, la puissance et la gloire, pour les siècles des siècles.

President Bush:
Que pasa, Lumpy?

C. Hitchens:
Yes, I believe in you. Do I have a choice? Thine is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever, or at least I until patch things up with old lefty friends and maintain my green card status and ...

President Bush:
Why speak French? Don't be a Snobby Slimey Limey Hoochy - an SSLH?

C. Hitchens:
Habit, maybe. You used the French word "moi," so I decided to engage. In any event, you may find a measure of French to be quite useful in your Court, if for no other reason than to protect many simple ears from hearing your complicated thoughts, such as they are. Sometimes leadership compells one to protect the rabble in the marketplace from itself. Also, speaking French pisses off all the right people.

President Bush:
What marketplace? Barney Rubble? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Mr. Flintstone? Ha, so "Moi" is French? Gotta stop using that one. No wonder Jackass Chiracass was confused when I kept calling him Mister Moi. Anyway, your excuse sounds cool, Dweebacle. You can go now. Game time. Glad to help.

C. Hitchens:
Dweebacle? That's ghastly.

President Bush:
Ghastly? Not me pal. He who smelt it, dealt it. Watch what you eat Hooch. Don't you know there's a war on???


Picture Credit : Seen in many places around the blogosphere. Not aware of its origin, but probably came out when it was reported Bush enjoyed video games during the campaign. Since the President has a sense of humor, as does Hitchens.They both get the last laugh.

Speeches : Second Inaugural and SOTUs

State Of The Union: 2005

BUSH: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, fellow citizens:
As a new Congress gathers, all of us in the elected branches of government share a great privilege: We've been placed in office by the votes of the people we serve.
And tonight that is a privilege we share with newly elected leaders of Afghanistan, the Palestinian territories, Ukraine and a free and sovereign Iraq.
(APPLAUSE)
Two weeks ago, I stood on the steps of this Capitol and renewed the commitment of our nation to the guiding ideal of liberty for all. This evening I will set forth policies to advance that ideal at home and around the world.
Tonight, with a healthy, growing economy, with more Americans going back to work, with our nation an active force for good in the world, the state of our union is confident and strong.
(APPLAUSE)
Our generation has been blessed by the expansion of opportunity, by advances in medicine, by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifice.
Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror, or a lot of gray...
(LAUGHTER)
... and we watch our children moving into adulthood, we ask the question: What will be the state of their union?
Members of Congress, the choices we make together will answer that question. Over the next several months, on issue after issue, let us do what Americans have always done and build a better world for our children and our grandchildren.
(APPLAUSE)
First, we must be good stewards of this economy and renew the great institutions on which millions of our fellow citizens rely.
America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation.
In the past four years, we have provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes, overcome a recession, opened up new markets abroad, prosecuted corporate criminals, raised homeownership to its highest level in history. And in the last year alone, the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs.
(APPLAUSE)
When action was needed, the Congress delivered, and the nation is grateful.
Now we must add to these achievements. By making our economy more flexible, more innovative and more competitive, we will keep America the economic leader of the world.
(APPLAUSE)
America's prosperity requires restraining the spending appetite of the federal government.
I welcome the bipartisan enthusiasm for spending discipline.
I will send you a budget that holds the growth of discretionary spending below inflation, makes tax relief permanent and stays on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009.
(APPLAUSE)
My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results or duplicate current efforts or do not fulfill essential priorities.
The principle here is clear: Taxpayer dollars must be spent wisely or not at all.
(APPLAUSE)
To make our economy stronger and more dynamic, we must prepare a rising generation to fill the jobs of the 21st century.
Under the No Child Left Behind Act, standards are higher, test scores are on the rise, and we're closing the achievement gap for minority students.
Now we must demand better results from our high schools so every high school diploma is a ticket to success.
We will help an additional 200,000 workers to get training for a better career by reforming our job-training system and strengthening America's community colleges.
And we will make it easier for Americans to afford a college education by increasing the size of Pell Grants.
(APPLAUSE)
To make our economy stronger and more competitive, America must reward, not punish, the efforts and dreams of entrepreneurs.
Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities.
So we must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest job creators from junk lawsuits.
(APPLAUSE)
Justice is distorted and our economy is held back by irresponsible class actions and frivolous asbestos claims.
And I urge Congress to pass legal reforms this year.
(APPLAUSE)
To make our economy stronger and more productive, we must make health care more affordable and give families greater access to good coverage and more control over their health decisions.
(APPLAUSE)
I ask Congress to move forward on a comprehensive health-care agenda with tax credits to help low-income workers buy insurance; a community health center in every poor county; improved information technology to prevent medical error and needless costs; association health plans for small businesses and their employees...
(APPLAUSE)
... expanded health savings accounts...
(APPLAUSE)
... and medical liability reform that will reduce health-care costs and make sure patients have the doctors and care they need.
(APPLAUSE)
To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy.
(APPLAUSE)
Nearly four years ago, I submitted a comprehensive energy strategy that encourages conservation, alternative sources, a modernized electricity grid and more production here at home, including safe, clean nuclear energy.
(APPLAUSE)
My Clear Skies legislation will cut power-plant pollution and improve the health of our citizens.
(APPLAUSE)
And my budget provides strong funding for leading-edge technology, from hydrogen-fueled cars to clean coal to renewable sources such as ethanol.
(APPLAUSE)
Four years of debate is enough. I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy.
(APPLAUSE)
All these proposals are essential to expand this economy and add new jobs, but they are just the beginning of our duty.
To build the prosperity of future generations, we must update institutions that were created to meet the needs of an earlier time.
Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code. I've appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the tax code from top to bottom. And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand and fair to all.
(APPLAUSE)
America's immigration system is also outdated -- unsuited to the needs of our economy and to the values of our country. We should not be content with laws that punish hardworking people who want only to provide for their families...
(APPLAUSE)
... and deny businesses willing workers, and invite chaos at our border.
It is time for an immigration policy that permits temporary guest workers to fill jobs Americans will not take, that rejects amnesty, that tells us who is entering and leaving our country and that closes the border to drug dealers and terrorists.
(APPLAUSE)
One of America's most important institutions -- a symbol of the trust between generations -- is also in need of wise and effective reform.
Social Security was a great moral success of the 20th century, and we must honor its great purposes in this new century.
(APPLAUSE)
The system, however, on its current path, is headed toward bankruptcy. And so we must join together to strengthen and save Social Security.
(APPLAUSE)
Today, more than 45 million Americans receive Social Security benefits, and millions more are nearing retirement. And for them, the system is sound and fiscally strong.
I have a message for every American who is 55 or older: Do not let anyone mislead you. For you, the Social Security system will not change in any way.
(APPLAUSE)
For younger workers, the Social Security system has serious problems that will grow worse with time.
Social Security was created decades ago, for a very different era. In those days, people did not live as long, benefits were much lower than they are today, and a half century ago, about 16 workers paid into the system for each person drawing benefits.
Our society has changed in ways the founders of Social Security could not have foreseen. In today's world, people are living longer and therefore drawing benefits longer. And those benefits are scheduled to rise dramatically over the next few decades.
And instead of 16 workers paying in for every beneficiary, right now it's only about three workers. And over the next few decades, that number will fall to just two workers per beneficiary.
With each passing year, fewer workers are paying ever- higher benefits to an ever-larger number of retirees.
So here is the result: Thirteen years from now, in 2018, Social Security will be paying out more than it takes in. And every year afterward will bring a new shortfall, bigger than the year before.
For example, in the year 2027, the government will somehow have to come up with an extra $200 billion to keep the system afloat. And by 2033, the annual shortfall would be more than $300 billion. By the year 2042, the entire system would be exhausted and bankrupt.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
If steps are not taken to avert that outcome, the only solutions would be dramatically higher taxes, massive new borrowing or sudden and severe cuts in Social Security benefits or other government programs.
I recognize that 2018 and 2042 may seem a long way off. But those dates aren't so distant, as any parent will tell you. If you have a 5-year-old, you're already concerned about how you'll pay for college tuition 13 years down the road.
If you've got children in their 20s, as some of us do, the idea of Social Security collapsing before they retire does not seem like a small matter. And it should not be a small matter to the United States Congress.
(APPLAUSE)
You and I share a responsibility. We must pass reforms that solve the financial problems of Social Security once and for all.
Fixing Social Security permanently will require an open, candid review of the options. Some have suggested limiting benefits for wealthy retirees. Former Congressman Tim Penny has raised the possibility of indexing benefits to prices rather than wages. During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits. The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated.
All these ideas are on the table.
I know that none of these reforms would be easy. But we have to move ahead with courage and honesty, because our children's retirement security is more important than partisan politics.
(APPLAUSE)
I will work with members of Congress to find the most effective combination of reforms. I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer.
(APPLAUSE)
We must, however, be guided by some basic principles: We must make Social Security permanently sound, not leave that task for another day. We must not jeopardize our economic strength by increasing payroll taxes. We must ensure that lower-income Americans get the help they need to have dignity and peace of mind in their retirement. We must guarantee that there is no change for those now retired or nearing retirement. And we must take care that any changes in the system are gradual, so younger workers have years to prepare and plan for their future.
As we fix Social Security, we also have the responsibility to make the system a better deal for younger workers. And the best way to reach that goal is through voluntary personal retirement accounts.
(APPLAUSE)
Here is how the idea works:
Right now, a set portion of the money you earn is taken out of your paycheck to pay for the Social Security benefits of today's retirees. If you're a younger worker, I believe you should be able to set aside part of that money in your own retirement account, so you can build a nest egg for your own future.
Here is why the personal accounts are a better deal:
Your money will grow, over time, at a greater rate than anything the current system can deliver.
And your account will provide money for retirement over and above the check you will receive from Social Security.
In addition, you'll be able to pass along the money that accumulates in your personal account, if you wish, to your children and -- or grandchildren.
And best of all, the money in the account is yours, and the government can never take it away.
(APPLAUSE)
The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts:
We'll make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds.
We'll make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees.
We'll make sure there are good options to protect your investments from sudden market swings on the eve of your retirement.
We'll make sure a personal account cannot be emptied out all at once, but rather paid out over time, as an addition to traditional Social Security benefits.
And we'll make sure this plan is fiscally responsible by starting personal retirement accounts gradually and raising the yearly limits on contributions over time, eventually permitting all workers to set aside 4 percentage points of their payroll taxes in their accounts.
Personal retirement accounts should be familiar to federal employees, because you already have something similar, called the Thrift Savings Plan, which lets workers deposit a portion of their paychecks into any of five different broadly based investment funds.
It's time to extend the same security and choice and ownership to young Americans.
(APPLAUSE)
Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society.
So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith, and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children.
Government is not the source of these values, but government should never undermine them.
Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be redefined by activist judges. For the good of families, children and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.
(APPLAUSE)
Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must strive to build a culture of life.
Medical research can help us reach that goal, by developing treatments and cures that save lives and help people overcome disabilities.
And I thank the Congress for doubling the funding of the National Institutes of Health.
(APPLAUSE)
To build a culture of life, we must also ensure that scientific advances always serve human dignity, not take advantage of some lives for the benefit of others.
We should all be able to agree...
(APPLAUSE)
We should all be able to agree on some clear standards. I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts and that human life is never bought or sold as a commodity.
(APPLAUSE)
America will continue to lead the world in medical research that is ambitious, aggressive and always ethical.
Because courts must always deliver impartial justice, judges have a duty to faithfully interpret the law, not legislate from the bench.
(APPLAUSE)
As president, I have a constitutional responsibility to nominate men and women who understand the role of courts in our democracy and are well-qualified to serve on the bench, and I have done so.
(APPLAUSE)
The Constitution also gives the Senate a responsibility: Every judicial nominee deserves an up-or-down vote.
(APPLAUSE)
Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America.
Our government will continue to support faith-based and community groups that bring hope to harsh places.
Now we need to focus on giving young people, especially young men in our cities, better options than apathy or gangs or jail.
Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence.
(APPLAUSE)
Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at- risk youth, which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports.
And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our first lady, Laura Bush.
(APPLAUSE)
Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease.
(APPLAUSE)
And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases: African-American men and women.
(APPLAUSE)
Because one of the main sources of our national unity is our belief in equal justice, we need to make sure Americans of all races and backgrounds have confidence in the system that provides justice.
In America we must make doubly sure no person is held to account for a crime he or she did not commit. So we are dramatically expanding the use of DNA evidence to prevent wrongful conviction.
(APPLAUSE)
Soon I will send to Congress a proposal to fund special training for defense counsel in capital cases, because people on trial for their lives must have competent lawyers by their side.
(APPLAUSE)
Our third responsibility to future generations is to leave them an America that is safe from danger and protected by peace.
We will pass along to our children all the freedoms we enjoy. And chief among them is freedom from fear.
In the three and a half years since September the 11th, 2001, we've taken unprecedented actions to protect Americans.
We've created a new department of government to defend our homeland, focused the FBI on preventing terrorism, begun to reform our intelligence agencies, broken up terror cells across the country, expanded research on defenses against biological and chemical attack, improved border security, and trained more than a half million first responders.
Police and firefighters, air marshals, researchers and so many others are working every day to make our homeland safer, and we thank them all.
(APPLAUSE)
Our nation, working with allies and friends, has also confronted the enemy abroad with measures that are determined, successful and continuing.
The al Qaeda terror network that attacked our country still has leaders, but many of its top commanders have been removed.
There are still governments that sponsor and harbor terrorists, but their number has declined.
There are still regimes seeking weapons of mass destruction, but no longer without attention and without consequence.
Our country is still the target of terrorists who want to kill many and intimidate us all. And we will stay on the offensive against them until the fight is won.
(APPLAUSE)
Pursuing our enemies is a vital commitment of the war on terror. And I thank the Congress for providing our service men and women with the resources they have needed. During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory.
(APPLAUSE)
Other nations around the globe have stood with us. In Afghanistan, an international force is helping provide security. In Iraq, 28 countries have troops on the ground, the United Nations and the European Union provided technical assistance for the elections, and NATO is leading a mission to help train Iraqi officers.
We're cooperating with 60 governments in the Proliferation Security Initiative to detect and stop the transit of dangerous materials.
We're working closely with the governments in Asia to convince North Korea to abandon its nuclear ambitions.
Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and nine other countries have captured or detained al Qaeda terrorists.
In the next four years, my administration will continue to build the coalitions that will defeat the dangers of our time.
(APPLAUSE)
In the long term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder.
If whole regions of the world remain in despair and grow in hatred, they will be the recruiting grounds for terror, and that terror will stalk America and other free nations for decades.
The only force powerful enough to stop the rise of tyranny and terror and replace hatred with hope is the force of human freedom.
(APPLAUSE)
Our enemies know this, and that is why the terrorist Zarqawi recently declared war on what he called the 'evil principle' of democracy.
And we've declared our own intention: America will stand with the allies of freedom to support democratic movements in the Middle East and beyond, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world.
(APPLAUSE)
The United States has no right, no desire and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else. That is one...
(APPLAUSE)
That is one of the main differences between us and our enemies. They seek to impose and expand an empire of oppression, in which a tiny group of brutal, self-appointed rulers control every aspect of every life. Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens and reflect their own cultures.
And because democracies respect their own people and their neighbors, the advance of freedom will lead to peace.
(APPLAUSE)
That advance has great momentum in our time, shown by women voting in Afghanistan, and Palestinians choosing a new direction, and the people of Ukraine asserting their democratic rights and electing a president.
We are witnessing landmark events in the history of liberty. And in the coming years, we will add to that story.
(APPLAUSE)
The beginnings of reform and democracy in the Palestinian territories are now showing the power of freedom to break old patterns of violence and failure.
Tomorrow morning, Secretary of State Rice departs on a trip that will take her to Israel and the West Bank for meetings with Prime Minister Sharon and President Abbas. She will discuss with them how we and our friends can help the Palestinian people end terror and build the institutions of a peaceful, independent, democratic state.
To promote this democracy, I will ask Congress for $350 million to support Palestinian political, economic and security reforms.
The goal of two democratic states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace is within reach, and America will help them achieve that goal.
(APPLAUSE)
To promote peace and stability in the broader Middle East, the United States will work with our friends in the region to fight the common threat of terror, while we encourage a higher standard of freedom.
Hopeful reform is already taking hold in an arc from Morocco to Jordan to Bahrain. The government of Saudi Arabia can demonstrate its leadership in the region by expanding the role of its people in determining their future. And the great and proud nation of Egypt, which showed the way toward peace in the Middle East, can now show the way toward democracy in the Middle East.
(APPLAUSE)
To promote peace in the broader Middle East, we must confront regimes that continue to harbor terrorists and pursue weapons of mass murder.
Syria still allows its territory and parts of Lebanon to be used by terrorists who seek to destroy every chance of peace in the region.
You have passed, and we are applying, the Syrian Accountability Act. And we expect the Syrian government to end all support for terror and open the door to freedom.
(APPLAUSE)
Today, Iran remains the world's primary state sponsor of terror -- pursuing nuclear weapons while depriving its people of the freedom they seek and deserve.
We are working with European allies to make clear to the Iranian regime that it must give up its uranium enrichment program and any plutonium reprocessing and end its support for terror.
And to the Iranian people, I say tonight: As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you.
(APPLAUSE)
Our generational commitment to the advance of freedom, especially in the Middle East, is now being tested and honored in Iraq. That country is a vital front in the war on terror, which is why the terrorists have chosen to make a stand there.
Our men and women in uniform are fighting terrorists in Iraq so we do not have to face them here at home.
(APPLAUSE)
The victory of freedom in Iraq will strengthen a new ally in the war on terror, inspire democratic reformers from Damascus to Tehran, bring more hope and progress to a troubled region, and thereby lift a terrible threat from the lives of our children and grandchildren.
We will succeed because the Iraqi people value their own liberty, as they showed the world last Sunday.
(APPLAUSE)
Across Iraq, often at great risk, millions of citizens went to the polls and elected 275 men and women to represent them in a new transitional national assembly.
A young woman in Baghdad told of waking to the sound of mortar fire on election day and wondering if it might be too dangerous to vote. She said, 'Hearing those explosions, it occurred to me, the insurgents are weak, they are afraid of democracy, they are losing. So I got my husband, and I got my parents, and we all came out and voted together.'
Americans recognize that spirit of liberty, because we share it. In any nation, casting your vote is an act of civic responsibility. For millions of Iraqis, it was also an act of personal courage, and they have earned the respect of us all.
(APPLAUSE)
One of Iraq's leading democracy and human rights advocates is Safia Taleb al-Suhail. She says of her country, 'We were occupied for 35 years by Saddam Hussein. That was the real occupation. Thank you to the American people who paid the cost, but most of all to the soldiers.'
Eleven years ago, Safia's father was assassinated by Saddam's intelligence service. Three days ago in Baghdad, Safia was finally able to vote for the leaders of her country. And we are honored that she is with us tonight.
(APPLAUSE)
The terrorists and insurgents are violently opposed to democracy and will continue to attack it. Yet the terrorists' most powerful myth is being destroyed.
The whole world is seeing that the car bombers and assassins are not only fighting coalition forces, they are trying to destroy the hopes of Iraqis, expressed in free elections.
And the whole world now knows that a small group of extremists will not overturn the will of the Iraqi people.
(APPLAUSE)
We will succeed in Iraq because Iraqis are determined to fight for their own freedom and to write their own history. As Prime Minister Allawi said in his speech to Congress last September, 'Ordinary Iraqis are anxious to shoulder all the security burdens of our country as quickly as possible.'
That is the natural desire of an independent nation, and it also is the stated mission of our coalition in Iraq.
The new political situation in Iraq opens a new phase of our work in that country. At the recommendation of our commanders on the ground and in consultation with the Iraqi government, we will increasingly focus our efforts on helping prepare more capable Iraqi security forces -- forces with skilled officers and an effective command structure.
As those forces become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly be in a supporting role. In the end, Iraqis must be able to defend their own country, and we will help that proud, new nation secure its liberty.
Recently an Iraqi interpreter said to a reporter, 'Tell America not to abandon us.'
He and all Iraqis can be certain: While our military strategy is adapting to circumstances, our commitment remains firm and unchanging. We are standing for the freedom of our Iraqi friends, and freedom in Iraq will make America safer for generations to come.
(APPLAUSE)
We will not set an artificial timetable for leaving Iraq, because that would embolden the terrorists and make them believe they can wait us out.
We are in Iraq to achieve a result: a country that is democratic, representative of all its people, at peace with its neighbors and able to defend itself.
And when that result is achieved, our men and women serving in Iraq will return home with the honor they have earned.
(APPLAUSE)
Right now, Americans in uniform are serving at posts across the world, often taking great risks on my orders. We have given them training and equipment. And they have given us an example of idealism and character that makes every American proud.
(APPLAUSE)
The volunteers of our military are unrelenting in battle, unwavering in loyalty, unmatched in honor and decency, and every day they are making our nation more secure.
Some of our service men and women have survived terrible injuries, and this grateful country will do everything we can to help them recover.
(APPLAUSE)
And we have said farewell to some very good men and women who died for our freedom and whose memory this nation will honor forever.
One name we honor is Marine Corps Sergeant Byron Norwood of Pflugerville, Texas, who was killed during the assault on Fallujah. His mom, Janet, sent me a letter and told me how much Byron loved being a Marine and how proud he was to be on the front line against terror.
She wrote, 'When Byron was home the last time, I said that I wanted to protect him like I had since he was born. He just hugged me and said, 'You've done your job, Mom. Now it is my turn to protect you.''
Ladies and gentlemen, with grateful hearts, we honor freedom's defenders and our military families, represented here this evening by Sergeant Norwood's mom and dad, Janet and Bill Norwood.
(APPLAUSE)
In these four years, Americans have seen the unfolding of large events. We have known times of sorrow and hours of uncertainty and days of victory. In all this history, even when we have disagreed, we have seen threads of purpose that unite us.
The attack on freedom in our world has reaffirmed our confidence in freedom's power to change the world. We're all part of a great venture: to extend the promise of freedom in our country, to renew the values that sustain our liberty and to spread the peace that freedom brings.
As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, 'Each age is a dream that is dying or one that is coming to birth.'
And we live in the country where the biggest dreams are born.
The abolition of slavery was only a dream -- until it was fulfilled. The liberation of Europe from fascism was only a dream -- until it was achieved. The fall of imperial communism was only a dream -- until, one day, it was accomplished.
Our generation has dreams of its own, and we also go forward with confidence. The road of providence is uneven and unpredictable, yet we know where it leads: It leads to freedom.
Thank you. And may God bless America.
(APPLAUSE)
END

Democratic Respose 2-2--05

Following is the Democratic Response to the 2005 State of the Union Address.
REID: I'm Harry Reid from Nevada, the new Democratic leader of the United States Senate.
PELOSI: I'm Nancy Pelosi of California, the Democratic leader of the House of Representatives.
REID: Now that you've heard from the president, I appreciate your taking a few minutes with us as we give our views on how we can live up to the American promise.
I was born and raised in the high desert of Nevada in a tiny town called Searchlight. My dad was a hard rock miner. My mom took in wash. I grew up around people of strong values, even if they rarely talked about them. They loved their country, worshiped God, never shunned hard work and never asked for special favors.
My life has been very different from what I imagined growing up, but no matter how far I've traveled, Searchlight is still the place I go back to and still the place I call home.
A few weeks ago, I joined some friends of mine for a bite to eat at the Nugget, Searchlight's only restaurant. We were sitting down in a booth when a young boy, about 10 years old, named Devon, walked up to us.
Carrying a skateboard under his arm, he said, "Senator Reid, when I grow up, I want to be just like you."
Well, the truth is Devon could probably do a lot better. But the point still holds, and it's this: No one ever had to tell young Devon to dream big dreams. No one ever had to teach him that America is a place of possibility. He knows those things because they're borne deep in all Americans.
In the coming year, I believe we can make sure America lives up to its legacy as a land of opportunity if the president is willing to join hands and build from the center.
It's important that we succeed. It's time that America's government lived up to the same values as America's families. It's time we invested in America's future and made sure our people have the skills to compete and thrive in a 21st-century economy.
That's what Democrats believe, and that's where we stand, and that's what we'll fight for.
Too many of the president's economic policies have left Americans and American companies struggling. And after we worked so hard to eliminate the deficit, his policies have added trillions to the debt -- in effect, a "birth tax" of $36,000 on every child that is born.
We Democrats have a different vision: spurring research and development in new technologies to help create the jobs of the future; rolling up our sleeves and fighting for today's jobs by ending the special tax breaks that encourage big corporations to ship jobs overseas; a trade policy that enforces the rules of the road so that we play to win in the global marketplace instead of sitting by and getting played for fools.
After World War II, through the Marshall Plan, we rebuilt Europe, and they went from poverty to an economic powerhouse. Today, we need to invest in our own nation's future with a Marshall Plan for America to build the infrastructure our economy needs to go -- and to grow.
President Eisenhower did that in the 1950s with interstate highways. National investment created the Internet in the 1970s. We need to build the next economy, and we need to start now.
The 21st-century economy holds great promise for our people. But unless we give all Americans the skills they need to succeed, countries like India and China will be taking our good-paying jobs that should be ours.
From early childhood education to better elementary and high schools to making college more affordable to training workers so they can get better jobs, Democrats believe every American should have a world-class education and the skills they need in a worldwide economy.
Health-care costs have shot up double digits year after year of the Bush administration, and that's costing us jobs, costing us our competitiveness and costing families their peace of mind.
We need to make health care and prescription drugs affordable so that our families and our small businesses will no longer have to shoulder this dead weight.
Good, new jobs, world-class education, affordable health care -- these things matter.
Unfortunately, much of what the president offered weren't real answers.
You know, today is Groundhog Day. And what we saw and heard tonight was a little like the movie "Groundhog Day" -- the same old ideology that we've heard before, over and over and over again. We can do better.
I want you to know that when we believe the president is on the right track, we won't let partisan interests get in the way of what's good for our country. We will be the first in line to work with him.
But when he gets off-track, we will be there to hold him accountable.
That's why we so strongly disagree with the president's plan to privatize Social Security.
Let me share with you why I believe the president's plan is so dangerous.
There's a lot we can do to improve Americans' retirement security, but it's wrong to replace the guaranteed benefit that Americans have earned with a guaranteed benefit cut of up to 40 percent.
Make no mistake, that's exactly what President Bush is proposing.
The Bush plan would take our already record-high $4.3 trillion debt and put us another $2 trillion in the red. That's an immoral burden to place on the backs of the next generation.
But maybe most of all, the Bush plan isn't really Social Security reform; it's more like Social Security roulette.
Democrats are all for giving Americans more of a say and more choices when it comes to their retirement savings, but that doesn't mean taking Social Security's guarantee and gambling with it. And that's coming from a senator who represents Las Vegas.
Sometimes important questions, like Social Security or the economy or education, get reduced to dollars and cents with the competing policies of political parties.
But really, these are questions about our old-fashioned moral values that don't get talked about much in Washington but matter so much to our country.
Are we willing to do right by our parents and take care of our children? Do we believe that big corporations with powerful lobbyists should get special favors and that the wealthiest should get special tax breaks? Or do we believe we are all God's children and that each of us should get a fair shot and a say in our future?
Will we be able to tell young people, like Devon back in Searchlight, that America is still the land of the open road and that you can travel that open road to the place of your choice?
Even after the president's speech, the American people are still asking these questions. You can be sure that Democrats will continue to offer real answers in the months ahead.
Now, I'd like to turn things over to my colleague, the great leader of the House Democrats, Nancy Pelosi.
PELOSI: Thank you, Senator Reid.
Throughout our nation's history, hope and optimism have defined the American spirit. With pride and determination, every generation has passed on a stronger America than the one it inherited. Our greatest responsibility is to leave our children a world that is a safer and more secure place.
As House Democratic leader, I want to speak with you this evening about an issue of grave concern: the national security of our country.
Any discussion of our national security must begin with recognition and respect for our men and women in uniform.
Whether they are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan or delivering humanitarian aid to the victims of the tsunami in Asia, our troops have the gratitude of every American for their courage, their patriotism and the sacrifice that they are willing to make for our country.
I have seen that sacrifice up close. I've met with our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I've visited our wounded in military hospitals here and overseas.
Our troops not only defend us, they inspire us. They remind us of our responsibility to build a future worthy of their sacrifice.
Because of the courage of our service men and women and the determination of the Iraqi people, Iraq's election on Sunday was a significant step toward Iraqis taking their future into their own hands. Now we must consider our future in Iraq.
We all know that the United States cannot stay in Iraq indefinitely and continue to be viewed as an occupying force, neither should we slip out the back door, falsely declaring victory but leaving chaos.
Despite the best efforts of our troops and their Iraqi counterparts, Iraq still faces a violent and persistent insurgency.
And the chairman of the National Intelligence Council said in January that Iraq has become a magnet for international terrorists.
We have never heard a clear plan from this administration for ending our presence in Iraq. And we did not hear one tonight.
Democrats believe a credible plan to bring our troops home and stabilizing Iraq must include three key elements:
First, responsibility for Iraqi security must be transferred to the Iraqis as soon as possible. This action is long overdue.
The top priority for the U.S. military should have been for a long time now training the Iraqi army.
We must not be lulled into a false sense of confidence by the administration's claim that a large number of security personnel have been trained. It simply hasn't happened. But it must.
Second, Iraq's economic development must be accelerated. Congress has provided billions of dollars for reconstruction, but little of that money has been spent effectively to put Iraqis to work rebuilding their country.
Infrastructure improvements in Iraq are more than just projects; they give Iraqis hope for a better future and a stake in achieving it, and they contribute to Iraqi stability.
Third, regional diplomacy must be intensified. Diplomacy can lessen the political problems in Iraq, take pressure off of our troops and deprive the insurgency of the fuel of anti-Americanism on which it thrives.
If these three steps are taken, the next elections in Iraq, scheduled for December, can be held in a more secure atmosphere, with broader participation and a much smaller American presence.
Just as we must transfer greater responsibility to the Iraqi people for their own security, we must embrace a renewed commitment to our security here at home.
It's been over three years since the attacks of September 11th. Our hopes and prayers will always be with the 9/11 families, who strengthen our resolve to win the war on terror. The pain and horror of that day will never be forgotten by any of us, yet the gaps in our security exposed by those attacks remain.
Despite the administration's rhetoric, airline cargo still goes uninspected, shipping containers go unscreened, and our railroads and power plants are not secure.
Police officers and firefighters across America have pleaded for the tools they need to prevent or respond to an attack, but the administration still hasn't delivered for our first responders.
The greatest threat to our homeland security are the tons of biological, chemical and even nuclear materials that are unaccounted for or unguarded.
The president says the right words about the threat, but he has failed to take action commensurate with it.
We can, and we must, keep the world's most gruesome weapons out of the world's most dangerous hands. Nothing is more important to our homeland security and, indeed, to the safety of the world.
For three years, the president has failed to put together a comprehensive plan to protect America from terrorism, and we did not hear one tonight.
As we strive to close the gaps in our security here at home, we must do more to show our great strength as well as our greatness.
We must extend the hand of friendship to our neighbors in Latin America. We must work to stop the genocide in Sudan. We must reinvigorate the Middle East peace process. And we must bring health and hope to people suffering from disease, devastation and the fury of despair.
We are called to do this and more by our faith and our common humanity, and also because these actions will enhance our national security.
Democrats are committed to a strong national security that keeps America safe, that wins the war on terror and that never again sends our troops into harm's way without the equipment they need.
In our New Partnership for America's Future, House Democrats have made a commitment to guarantee a military second to none, to stop the spread of weapons of mass destruction, to build strong diplomatic alliances, to collect timely and reliable intelligence to keep us safe at home, and to honor our veterans and their families by making sure they have the health care and benefits they have earned.
For those returning from military service, our newest veterans, Democrats are calling for a G.I. bill of rights for the 21st century to guarantee access to education, health care and the opportunity for good jobs.
And we must protect and defend the American people, and we must also protect and defend our Constitution and the civil liberties contained therein. That is our oath of office.
A strong and secure America was our parents' gift to us. We owe our children and our grandchildren nothing less.
Thank you. Goodnight. And may God continue to bless the United States of America.
END





Second Inaugural: 2005

Vice President Cheney, Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter, President Bush, President Clinton, members of the United States Congress, reverend, clergy, distinguished guests, fellow citizens -- (applause) -- on this day prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution and recall the deep commitments that unite our country. I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live, and determined to fulfill the oath that I have sworn and you have witnessed.At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half a century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders. After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical. And then there came a day of fire.We have seen our vulnerability, and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny, prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder, violence will gather and multiply in destructive power and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat. There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human freedom. (Cheers, applause.)We are led by events and common sense to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. (Applause.) The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world. (Cheers, applause.)America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one. From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and earth. (Cheers, applause.) Across the generations, we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government because no one is fit to be a master and no one deserves to be a slave. (Applause.)Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers. Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security and the calling of our time. So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world. (Applause.)This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary. Freedom by its nature must be chosen and defended by citizens and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own.America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Our goal, instead, is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way.The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. (Cheers, applause.) America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause. (Cheers, applause.)My most solemn duty is to protect this nation and its people from further attacks and emerging threats. Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve and have found it firm. (Cheers, applause.)We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation, the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. (Cheers, applause.)America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude, or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies. We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. (Applause.)America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies. Yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators. They are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom and there can be no human rights without human liberty. (Cheers, applause.)Some I know have questioned the global appeal of liberty, though this time in history -- four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen -- is an odd time for doubt.Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals.Eventually the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. (Applause.) Liberty will come to those who love it.Today America speaks anew to the peoples of the world. All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know the United States will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty we will stand with you. (Applause.)Democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile can know: America sees you for who you are, the future leaders of your free country. The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe, as Abraham Lincoln did, those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and under the rule of a just God cannot long retain it.The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know to serve your people, you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America will walk at your side. (Applause.)And all the allies of the United States can know we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help. Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.Today I also speak anew to my fellow citizens. From all of you I have asked patience in the hard task of securing America, which you have granted in good measure. Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill and would be dishonorable to abandon. Yet, because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom. (Cheers, applause.) And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts we have lit a fire as well, a fire in the minds of men. It warms those who feel its power; it burns those who fight its progress. And one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world. (Cheers, applause.)A few Americans have accepted the hardest duties in this cause -- in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy, the idealistic work of helping raise up free governments, the dangerous and necessary work of fighting our enemies.Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives, and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice. (Applause.)All Americans have witnessed this idealism, and some for the first time. I ask our youngest citizens to believe the evidence of your eyes. You have seen duty and allegiance in the determined faces of our soldiers. You have seen that life is fragile and evil is real and courage triumphs. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself, and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of our country, but to its character. (Cheers, applause.)America has need of idealism and courage because we have essential work at home.In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty.In America's ideal of freedom, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence. This is the broader definition of liberty that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act and the GI Bill of Rights. And now we will extend this vision by reforming great institutions to serve the needs of our time.To give every American a stake in the promise and future of our country, we will bring the highest standards to our schools and build an ownership society. (Applause.) We will widen the ownership of homes and businesses, retirement savings and health insurance, preparing our people for the challenges of life in a free society.By making every citizen an agent of his or her own destiny we will give our fellow Americans greater freedom from want and fear and make our society more prosperous and just and equal. (Applause.)In America's ideal of freedom, the public interest depends on private character, on integrity and tolerance toward others and the rule of conscience in our own lives.Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self. That edifice of character is built in families, supported by communities with standards, and sustained in our nation life by the truths of Sinai, the sermon on the mount, the words of the Koran, and the varied faiths of our people. Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before, ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today and forever. (Cheers, applause.)In America's ideal of freedom, the exercise of rights is ennobled by service and mercy and a heart for the weak. Liberty for all does not mean independence from one another. Our nation relies on men and women who look after a neighbor and surround the lost with love. Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another, and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth. (Cheers, applause.)And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time. (Cheers, applause.)From the perspective of a single day, including this day of dedication, the issues and questions before our country are many. From the viewpoint of centuries, the questions that come to us are narrowed and few. Did our generation advance the cause of freedom, and did our character bring credit to that cause?These questions that judge us also unite us because Americans of every party and background, Americans, by choice and by birth, are bound to one another in the cause of freedom.We have known divisions, which must be healed to move forward in great purposes. And I will strive in good faith to heal them. Yet those divisions do not define America. We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when freedom came under attack and our response came like a single hand over a single heart. And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America acts for good and the victims of disaster are given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, and the captives are set free. (Cheers, applause.)We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom, not because history runs on the wheels of inevitability; it is human choices that move events. Not because we consider ourselves a chosen nation; God moves and chooses as He wills. We have confidence because freedom is the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the longing of the soul.When our Founders declared a new order of the ages, when soldiers died in wave upon wave for a union based on liberty, when citizens marched in peaceful outrage under the banner "Freedom Now," they were acting on an ancient hope that is meant to be fulfilled.History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction set by liberty and the author of liberty. (Cheers, applause.)When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said it rang as if it meant something. In our time, it means something still. America, in this young century, proclaims liberty throughout all the world and to all the inhabitants thereof. (Cheers, applause.) Renewed in our strength, tested but not weary, we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom. (Cheers, applause.)May God bless you, and may he watch over the United States of America. (Cheers, applause.)

Old School "Metrics" : Vietnam 1965

Recall this? No? Okay, then how about this? Ok.

Now , click on the chart above to see, in all its ridiculous detail, an example of how the Pentagon, pre-PowerPoint, used "metrics" to explain how we were winning the Vietnam War in 1965.

"Metrics," you may recall is one of the managerial banalities Don Rumsfeld said we needed to determine whether or not we are winning the War on Terror and the Iraq war.

After all, how often can you take and re-take towns and villages, before people say , "how much does this cost?" and/or "what are we doing?"

The Vietnam War lasted ten more years after the above chart was first used by a defensive, cliped, Ivy League, ex-CEO, wire-rimmed eye glass wearing, metrics oriented SecDef, to explain why we were well on our way to victory.

Robert S. McNamara, much like his D.C. neighbor Donald Rumsfeld, arrived at the Pentagon with dreams of efficiency and the possiblity of technological trasformation.

McNamara served a Texan President who was intelligent, yet inarticulate and oddly insecure. Rumsfeld now serves a President who shares those qualities. Bush is very intelligent, albeit in his own inexplicably unique way.

LBJ succeeded JFK, a popular, articulate, and charismatic Democrat whose reportedly roguish ways and allegedly liberal programs stoked much much ire on the right.

Bush succeeded the roguish Clinton, promising to supercede his allegedly liberal programs.

McNamara metrics in 1965 and Rumsfeld metrics two score hence, tell a tale that's been more than twice told in days gone by. Must we wait another ten years for this version to conclude?

Chart source: Washington Expose, Jack Anderson, p. 295; Public Affairs. 1967. LOC # 67-14902